6 months

It has a little over 6 months since our lives so drastically changed with Sage's diagnosis of diabetes, and I can't say that it has gotten a bit easier to live with.  When it first happened, it seemed like people would say, "Oh, you'll get it.  Just give it time."  It is beyond difficult.  I cried in the new year on New Year's Eve for no other reason than mourning for her normalcy.  Don't get me wrong.  She does everything she wants.  I really try not to deny her anything on the basis of having diabetes.  I've also gotten to where I am not scared to death of adjusting medicine dosages myself.  Calling the hospital always makes me end up feeling hopeless at the most and confused at the least.  They're never really that helpful, so the last time I talked to them, I told Travis to remind me not to call unless it was some new thing I hadn't faced or needed a new lunch order faxed to the school.  Since October, Sage has been coming out of that honeymoon phase, which means it feels like we are always chasing it to get the amount of insulin right.  Do you know what someone with a 200+ to 300+ blood sugar acts like?  Not nice, that's for sure.  So I also am balancing discipline based on understanding.  Sometimes it feels very unfair to only get to see the real Sage based on if the amount of bottled, overpriced medicine was right.  The same bottled, overpriced medicine that we are bound to just to keep her alive.  But she handles it very well.  BOY does she handle it well.  Think about the times throughout the day that you mindlessly grab something to eat or snack on.  Sage can't do that.  And she doesn't do that because she knows she can't.  I think that's very noble for such a young girl.  My mom mindlessly handed her a chip to try the other day, and I said, "That's not free for her."  Sage said, "Will I be okay?"  I let her have communion with us a few weeks ago at church.  A tiny shot of grape juice really.  Her sugar was 317 after that.  Sometimes I let her have an amount of desserts or sweets at a meal that I wouldn't give to Jaggar in one meal, but it's because she has to eat those with shots, and I don't want her to have an extra shot if I can help it.  And those "extra" sweets she has at a meal don't touch what I've had all day.  I've gotten better at the shots.  She used to bleed and we hurt her a lot.  That's not the case as much anymore, but she still has needle marks and bruises all over just because...no matter what, if you stick a needle in, it leaves a mark.  That hurts me to see.  For Christmas, Santa left the packages to the candy in her stocking because he knew she had diabetes this year.  He talked about it in a video left by the elves, but I think I forgot to post a link.  She thought that was so awesome that Santa did that, but I found myself so frustrated as I counted out 18 sixlets on Christmas day.  Who counts tiny crunchy chocolates???  I know I probably seem like a spoiled brat.  Complaining about counting candy.  I just want our lives back.  I want HER life back.  I'd take it for her if I could.  In a heartbeat.  It would do me good to have to count out candy for myself.  I got my finger pricked last week at the doctor's office, and it really hurt.  I think about how she does that to herself at least 4 times a day.  Sometimes, when she squeezes her finger, blood comes out another hole from earlier.  As a mother, it is heartbreaking because there is nothing I can do to change it.  She turned 8 on Sunday, which I'll blog about later.  I looked up 8, and it said something about resurrection and new beginnings.  It also talked about covenant.  I can only hope and believe that's more than just coincidental.  I still believe God' promise to me.  And I wait.  And I hope.  I feel Him.  I hear Him.  I actually have discernment in dealing with this.  There have been times where I just knew what we gave her was going to make her go low. There are times where I know something needs to be increased without waiting 3 days to watch for patterns.  I can't explain it.  I just feel it.  And I've been right.  Travis will say, "How did you know that?"  And I said, "I don't know...I just felt it."  So until restoration, I'll continue to go on that and literally walk by faith.