Calm in the Storm

Jaggar's insomnia has continued here, and now we are on a schedule. He is up every morning at 1:30 give or take 15 minutes. EVERY. NIGHT. The child that used to wave goodbye to everyone and say "night night" without a sound until the next morning now also takes over an hour just to get to sleep for the night. It's the craziest thing in the world. He is up with his lights on screaming and crying for something totally random. This morning at 1:15, he was screaming, "I want my shoes on!!" with a pair of shoes out from his drawer. ?????

You've got me. Travis and I take turns, and we immediately turn the lights off, put him in his bed and tell him to lay down. The problem is that he wants to make sure that you're still there, so to avoid rocking him or doing anything that could be appealing to him to continue, we just sit there or lay in the floor where he can't see us. The moment he sits up, we tell him to lay back down, so he's going to sleep on his own. This can take anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour plus. And it's happening. I'm getting hysterical. I've never been the party girl that stays up all night long. I like to sleep. I really want to sleep. I feel like I have a newborn without the perks of a newborn. Newborns can't get up, turn lights on and run through the house. So I wouldn't have a problem letting one scream. Neither of my kids slept through the night until they were over a year old. I have paid my dues for this with these 2.

I don't know what the deal is, but we are all suffering. My children are suffering because I have no fuse right now, so I've been very short, if not outright completely impatient with them. Jaggar may not be sleeping, but he's still wide open in the day. We had a plumber come over on Sunday because he said he put a "napkin" in the toilet and flushed it. Whatever that napkin was caused the toilet not to flush right. So the plumber came and what was that "napkin?" The toilet paper holder that the roll slides on with the spring inside, which was now broken. Yep. So...I'm outnumbered and exhausted. So I took a risk. Children are honest, so I asked Sage in the car this evening, "Does it feel like I yell at you and get on you all the time? Because I'm really exhausted right now and my reactions towards you guys aren't what I want them to be. It's not okay, and I'm trying...but I need to know you're okay." She immediately said no and that I did not. I didn't think much else about that conversation other than to breathe a sigh of relief.

When I did have a few minutes to gather myself later, I asked God to not let their spirits be broken from me. I could only pray that the image I have of myself in mothering (and most ways of life) aren't what others see. It may be ridiculous to someone in their right, non sleep deprived mind, but that is really how I feel at the moment. And I just prayed that God would help me to be more graceful about this and give me the strength to treat them with love no matter how long this may endure. And to forgive me for falling short of that. No kidding...I've had it. So I go downstairs right after that prayer and Sage hands me my ipad. She said she'd made a message for me. It was an instant answer from God from my 30 second ago prayer. I don't know how she did it, but she addressed all the things I had just been questioning and a lot that I hadn't thought of (ha, you'll see). Sage is a sensitive, sweet soul, which she inherited zero of from me. I cried and laughed watching this almost 8 minutes of a spontaneous song from my girl that was exactly what I needed to hear. My kids aren't broken from my shortcomings just yet.


PS: Some parts that made me laugh:

"I'm your best girl. Don't ever quit me."
"I'll always love you more because you're so.....loveable. I know that didn't make sense..."

Sweet Sleep

Look at that precious face. This is one of my favorite pictures of Jaggar. He is so pretty. It could also be because it's in focus and he's actually looking at me, which is rare. Anyway, we've had some struggles lately.

I mentioned last week that Jaggar didn't nap one day. It was not like him, and it bothered me because he wasn't just in his bed playing. He was out of his bed and screaming. He has the ability to climb out of his bed and has for a long time. For a time, he'd do it just when he woke up like anyone would. When I told him to call me when he was up, he never did it again...unless something scared him. Then he was out of there like lightning. So, the day he didn't nap, he fell asleep instantly that night, but was up before 6 am. Out of his bed in the hallway screaming. This happened for two days. Then it went into nights. No nap. To bed later. Up earlier. All while screaming.

This child is my sleeper. He asks to go to bed. We rock him but we do that for US, not him. It's just a few minutes that he will let us hold him, which doesn't last forever. And when we put him in his bed, he never calls us back. So this is major. On Saturday night/Sunday morning, he was up at midnight. Same thing: Crying. Screaming. Instantly out of his bed. I had only been asleep for an hour at the most. Personally, I only like to see the hours of 12 through 6 in the PM slots. Travis came upstairs. I kept putting Jaggar back in his bed, but he was hysterical. Jumping up and down. Screaming. Saying he wanted to rock. Saying he had to use the bathroom. Saying he wanted Daddy (or me if I walked out). Saying he wanted Sage. He mentioned the car wash at one time. He said he was scared.

Now we've experienced things with Sage before where she has been afraid, and we've felt actual presences in her room and we took care of them. We certainly did pray for Jaggar, but neither of us felt anything in his room at that time. If he had a bad dream or saw something that was no longer there that he REMEMBERS and can't let go of, I don't know. But this screaming and instantly out of the bed went on from midnight until 4 am, and that's when I gave up. I had only slept like 45 minutes, and daylight was coming! Travis and I had both had it. I brought him to my bed, and he instantly went to sleep. But he had cried so hard that for an hour in his sleep he kept doing that sniffing/trying to catch your breath thing you do after you have a sob fest. I even went as far as to facebook to ask for help. And I NEVER put my business on facebook. But I was desperate. I AM desperate. In the midst of this, I'm dealing with a UTI, which is REALLY fun.


No one gave me any suggestions from facebook that seemed to fit. They didn't say anything wrong at all, but Jaggar is not being defiant. He's not teething (he's almost 3). He's not sick because he is just FINE in the day. I'm not reading him a book at 4 am. He doesn't have any demonic toys in his room, and I have not let him watch Ghostbusters. He's not in his room playing and having a ball trying to show me that he won't sleep. He, himself, is absolutely exhausted. Putting him in my bed after 4 hours of screaming isn't "giving in" to him. It's using sense. He didn't nap yesterday but that's because it got too late in the day. He instantly went to sleep, but it was the same thing at 1:30 this morning. Travis was very patient with him and didn't get him out of the bed, and he eventually fell asleep in his own bed (thank God), but it was 2 hours later. We. Are. Tired. Personally, without sleep, I'm pretty useless. Travis does a lot better than I do. I fall apart. I start crying all the time. I freak out over everything. Ahh! My outlook on life becomes bleak, and I'm not seeing a light at the end of this tunnel. I think the worst part is that I don't know WHAT is wrong, how to fix it and most of all, WHEN it might end. I know that "this too shall pass," but so far...no good. We have to get through it though. If all else fails...don't think I'm not considering bunk beds by the end of the week. Until then, don't call me after 8 pm because that's when I went to bed last night and will continue to as long as this endures.

Saturday

My Saturday started out like this. Okay, actually it started out with Jaggar crying and running the halls before 6 am (which deserves its own post), but I fell back to sleep and then Travis brought this in. I know, I know...he's so sweet.

We stayed out pretty much all day on Saturday at Target and Petsmart. That's the first time we've been in there (petsmart) in years...you know, since they almost allowed our dog to commit suicide and never even attempted to help. Jaggar had never been in there, and with dogs everywhere, it was almost too much for him. Euphoria. Then we ate at Zaxby's in Saks and went to get milk. I typically just go through the drive thru at Wright's, which Travis couldn't believe. After being inside for just a few minutes and Jaggar had almost run back outside, hung off the freezer door, tried to steal a piece of candy, and shoved his jacket in the freezer, he saw where I was coming from. But because Travis was with me, we went to see the babies, and they were in such a good mood. One was mooing as soon as we walked in.

They licked everyone's hands (but mine of course...pass on that), and the kids thought that was great...or gross.

That cow could give Gene Simmons a run for his money.

:)

They all smiled for me. They're better than my kids!

Sage absolutely loves their dog, Scruffy. It is a sweet dog, and both kids just love him.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Sometimes Travis and I either think we're hilarious or delirious or both. But tonight, we couldn't help but laugh and laugh in taking photos with the ipad. There's not a lot to do in this town, okay? :) I've not felt well for a few days, so this was a nice relief for the (I refuse to say say how much time was spent) time we spent giggling ourselves silly.

I remember fixing my hair like this when I was a kid and thinking how AWESOME it was! If it isn't cut and colored soon, I may go this route again.

This is where we were hysterical. Travis said he was Papa Smurf.

HILARIOUS

But can anything top this? Happy Saturday.

Hip Hop Costume

This is the first year that Sage and all of the other girls that are in her group have been old enough to take hip hop, so it is a HUGE class. And when they heard that their costumes had arrived, it was like squeals on Christmas morning times 13. What is the GREATEST part about this costume? Two words: SEQUINED BRA. Sweet Jesus, you have smiled upon these little 7 year olds. Could life get any better? Second best thing would be the sequined gloves. Hip hop is not known for having the cutest costumes because they're supposed to be tough and...hip. The girls liked them, and I think they're cute, too.

The shirt hangs off the shoulder to show the bra. We didn't take this costume home because Jessica is going to bling them up some more, but I can assure you that when it's all said and done, Sage will be running through the house with that bra and a pair of shorts on.

Jaggar wanted in on the picture, too.

so cute.

Group shot. I had to hang onto Jaggar for dear life to keep him from getting in the middle of that group.

Jaggar's Big News

Jaggar is a really big deal right now. After a day or two, at best, around Christmas of sort of/kind of using the potty, Jaggar has started REALLY using the potty all the time this week. That's right. I'm just as shocked because it has pretty much all been his idea. When I was trying to keep my house clean last week for the shower, he would take off his diaper and sit on the potty. In frustration to keep him clothed, I started realizing that his diapers were dry. Sooo...I started putting underwear on him. It's definitely not perfect yet, but he is definitely on his way. I've even been taking him out of the house, and he's done great. When I took a shower yesterday, he went and used the bathroom all on his own. We are SO proud of him. Diapers are one phase of baby-hood that I am more than happy to say goodbye to.

So proud of himself. Notice his eyes are puffy. Sigh...that's due to another new phase that I can only pray to GOD isn't permanent. Yesterday and today he has refused to take a nap. Sage STILL takes a nap when she's home all day. I NEED him to take a nap. It's the time that I can preserve what little sanity I have left. Not being mean. I love my kids, but I really need some time to myself to do what I want or need to do. God...PLEASE, I'm begging.

Ha....

Target Finds

In an effort to be more human, I went to Target today with real clothes and makeup on. The last getup I went in there with was probably illegal. No kidding. I won't go into detail, but I will say it wasn't pretty. I'm serious when I say that last week felt like I was in a black hole. So what's the best cure for most things? Target.

And look what I found there! Had I known they sold these, I'd have bought one a long time ago! THIS is the secret!

Okay, Adalyn, unfortunately, wasn't for sale, but I did run into Emily while there. She asked me to watch her while she went to the restroom, which was just fine by me. She is so cute that I can't stand it.

Emily told me that I should go back to the Valentine clearance section because they had 70% markdowns. All of these plates, bowls, cups and mugs were less than 40 cents each. The books were like 34 cents...and the chocolate (so much for cutting the sugar for real food) was a little over a dollar per bag. Score. Let me just say that the ghiradelli dark chocolate will change your life. Dark chocolate is my absolute favorite, and this was made for me.

Dance Costumes

It's that time of year: the time when Sage's dance recital costumes start arriving. She's in 3 classes this year, which means 3 different costumes. 2 of the 3 arrived yesterday, and let me just tell you: the tap one is Sage's dream come true. It's seriously over the top for her. Not only is it shorts, BUT it BARES HER STOMACH. Too much for her. She can't even contain her joy. Ha, you think I'm kidding? Where could this come from? She did not want to take it off. Some moms are kind of funny about that kind of thing, but I really think it's in good taste and I love the color. Orange is one of my most favorite colors. I love it as much as pink. Check her out in all of her glory.

Sage and Lydia. Lydia was unsure about it. She kept looking at her stomach like she shouldn't be able to see it while Sage was posing and trying to make sure that her's was exposed to all. That's my girl. Can I tell you how much I love the huge headbands? I am a SUCKER for baby girls in headbands, and from the moment Sage was born, she had the biggest ones on that I could find. Those days are long gone for me, so it was nice for me to see her in that.

And look at the back! Eek! They are dancing to "Teach Me How to Shimmy," so they have to have some tail feathers to shake. :) Sage is arguably the smallest girl in her class, and she always has been. This is the first year that her costume hasn't had to completely be rebuilt.

Here's her ballet costume. So pretty. They are going to rebuild that headpiece to make it big, but I think the color is fantastic. Guess what they are dancing to? Jaggar will freak out if he's there (though I'll prob get a sitter), but it's from Tangled: "I've got a dream," which is his favorite song.

Sheila didn't think Sage's was tight enough (though I thought it was fine), so she is going to sew seams up the back. Told you her's always have to be rebuilt. One out of two isn't bad. So we took the tap home and left the ballet one there. They were going to do pictures this Saturday (which was enough to send me into a panic that I may to do that this weekend), but thank GOD they changed it to a few weeks from now.

So, of course, when we got home, the first thing she put back on was.... We could have issues with this until after recital when the costumes do become play clothes for her. She is in love with this.

Burned Out

I will admit that sometimes when I'm blogging that I will google words to make sure I'm using them in the context that I think is correct. I wanted to title this post the way that I've felt, and I came across "burnt out" and "burned out," which are variants of each other if anyone cares to know. Anyway, I had to laugh at the examples that they listed and found they were PERFECT.

1.burnt-out - exhausted as a result of longtime stress; "she was burned-out before she was 30"

burned-out

tired - depleted of strength or energy; "tired mothers with crying babies"; "too tired to eat"

None of that has really anything to do with the following pictures, but I have been "burnt out." (I'm torn with which one to use.) Last week, Travis left Wednesday morning to work in Birmingham and didn't come home until Sunday at 12:30 am. On top of that, I hosted a baby shower for Meagan at my house on Saturday. Kindness overflows from my huge heart. :) I think that it turned out nice for her, but I just have to say: I am tired in every way. So if we normally talk and we haven't lately, it's nothing personal, I've just been on empty. We went from Christmas to Sage's birthday to Travis' birthday to Valentines' Day to two baby showers back to back. Then there's all that life in between. You know, speeding tickets and such. Hormones flying. Kids crying. Homework. Dance classes. Sugar overdoses rather than real food. I've not been the best wife, mother, friend or human being lately, and I'm hoping that since I don't have any events on my immediate agenda that maybe I can become a person that I like again and the things that I normally would enjoy doing...that I do enjoy them again. Here's hoping. Soooo..... pictures.

This was actually a few weeks ago. I have several pictures that I meant to post and...I just couldn't make myself do it. I thought I'd have more to go with it, and so I'd wait...anyway. Sage got a pottery wheel from us for her birthday. Did you start singing "Unchained Melody" like you better believe I serenaded them with? They haven't painted it or decorated it yet, which is maybe why I was waiting to post.

Meagan wanted these for her shower, and I sent her a picture to see if the placement was okay before I cut the strings. I really just posted this for the cute kids in the picture. Jaggar has, ironically, not tried to tear them down. Actually, they are still up until she comes to get them because I thought they'd look cute over the crib.

I made these mini fruit pizzas for Meagan's shower, thanks to Pinterest, and I was so pleased with how they turned out. They were pretty much devoured, too. All it takes is sugar cookies (I used pillsbury premade aka "open them and throw them in the oven"), marshmallow cream, blueberries, strawberries and kiwi. I had several cuts on my hands, and let me just tell you that kiwi is basically like pouring acid on an open wound. 45 minutes of fire, folks. Made with love. :) But aren't they pretty?

Sweet Sage cleaned her room up for the shower. I also forgot to post (shame on me) her new bedding that you can see here. Mom bought this for her when she was here, and Sage just loves it. (Also, did you know that Travis made her dollhouse bookcase completely by hand? He sure did. When I was pregnant with Sage, I saw a bookcase that looked just like that at USA baby in Birmingham for the mere price of like $300. I loved the pink roof. Obviously, we didn't buy that, but I really loved it. Everything that I did like, Travis would say, "I can make that," and it drove me nuts. It was everything from clothes to that shelf. I worked 4:30 to midnight as an xray tech while I was in school and pregnant with her, and I came home one night when I got off work and heard her baby fish tank on in her room. I was like, What in the world? I walked in to turn it off and there this was. He had been working on it at a house he was working at to keep it hidden. I have to say that it still makes me smile and think of that every time I really take the time to see it. And there's my memory lane for this post.)

She was so proud and wanted me to take a picture from every angle. The heart pillow (I have a red one for Jaggar) was a Target after Valentine's sale I scored for $9.99. They love them, and Jaggar calls his his pillow pet.

The other corner

Because of the baby shower, we missed Isacah's birthday party, which was a cupcake making party. Chrissie was kind enough to send home what would have been Sage's apron, chef's hat and decor for a heart mosaic. She made those hats. Isn't she creative? She also sent home 5 lbs of fat to me in the form of chocolate covered pretzels, sugar cookies and mini sugar cookies covered in icing, cupcakes and an entire TUB of icing. Thank you for that, my friend.

She also gave Travis an apron (Travis stayed with Chrissie and Sean the whole time since he was doing a 4 day shoot in Birmingham) because he's always wanted one. He's such a girl. ;)

After the LOOOONG week, we made it to Sunday, particularly Sunday afternoon. Sunday mornings are not relaxing for me as I normally sing two services after getting there at 8 am. I was so out of it that I almost missed my own part in the first song we did, and I mean solo. It hit me a millisecond before that the dead space I was hearing was to be filled by me. Ha...then I laughed thinking about it. So we eat and then generally crash for several hours, which is exactly what happened. After naps we all laid in our (my) bed while the kids played with every apple product we own. I'll try to do better on blogging because Jaggar has done something the past few days that deserves its own post.

Also, completely unrelated, Jaggar has recently fallen in love with the Wii. I was going to make this its own post, but clearly I lack the organization to make that happen. SO, I don't think it's fair to hold this back from your viewing pleasure any longer. Every day he says, "I wanna play wii," and by that he means "Smurfs." He really dances, and it is HILARIOUS to see. Check him out here.

Valetine's Day

I felt out of the loop on Valentine's Day this year. Normally I feel like I'm pretty put together in my plans for gifts and ideas...but this year, I was out shopping the night before with every other MALE in the city. I couldn't figure out why I had to park a mile away until I walked in and realized, "Ahhh, yes, I'm with the planners." Anyway, I think the kids were happy regardless of my prior detachment from the planning.

I wanted to keep it pretty simple because...well, my kids need nothing, but I wanted them to know they're my best Valentines. Oh, yes, Travis? Of COURSE, he's mine, but let me just tell you what he got for Valentine's Day: a speeding ticket for over $200. I won't elaborate my thoughts on that on here, but suffice it to say that I was not the LEAST bit happy. Still not actually.

I had that Rudolph (it's actually "Comet" from the Rudolph special) for Jaggar that I ordered off of Ebay because it just looked like him, so I wanted to find something comparable for Sage. I have learned many times that it's best to keep it even in EVERY SINGLE WAY. She was SO happy with this bear. This child LOVES stuffed animals.

And then there's this one. It's so funny to see the differences in he and Sage. Sage is SO much like Travis, and Jaggar is SO much like me. Sage loves bologna (I don't even want to TOUCH it, much less eat it), cheetos, nasty sugary pixie stick like candy, etc just like Travis. Jaggar? He loves dark chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. And chocolate. Sage ate one piece of her chocolate and put the lid back on for later. She was thrilled with the bear and couldn't wait for Jaggar to see his reindeer. Ha, he was MUCH more excited about the candy. Jaggar ate his entire box of chocolates in 5 minutes. I hid Sage's because he'd have eaten her's, too.

Sage just loved her stuffed animal and carried it around everywhere before school. Jaggar looked at his, asked if he could sleep with it, threw it in his bed and went straight for the candy. I love these two angels and all of their differences. They make MY life so much sweeter.

Running > Me

Well...I have to update on my running. I was loving it. I really did. I still do. Even this past Saturday, I tried to run in the 20 something temperatures, but I couldn't handle the cold and the wind. I had no intentions of stopping. I had worked through the soreness pretty quickly...or so I thought. The problem is that I did too much too fast, and I'm paying for it. I knew the impact really bothered my knees on like the 5th day in a row, so I took a break the next day and went again the day after. That day I ran a full two miles up and down some of the biggest hills in our neighborhood, and I felt really good. I felt really good until I've tried to walk like a normal person up and down my stairs since then. O MY GOD. I thought, "Oh...well, I just need to chill." In rehearsal tonight, standing in one place in heels for so long was enough to make it throb. I tend to put my weight on my right leg, which unfortunately, is the one I've done something to. Carrying Jaggar up the stairs tonight was almost more than I could bear. I read the couch to 5K, and I did exactly what it said NOT to do. And I was a perfect example of literally going from the couch to trying to look like the girls in the Nike ad in a week. I thought I was going to be awesome in 5 days, and now I suck. SO....with that said, the saying, "You gotta crawl before you walk," seems to be me now. Literally. So my efforts to get in shape are taking a huge step backwards because now I can't even run up and down the stairs effortlessly like I would normally do all day. I should've stuck with my initial instinct that exercise never leads to good. So I will no longer be a 15 on a 1-10 scale...at least not until my knee heals (which I'm praying to God at this painful moment that that is VERY soon) as well as my fear of doing it again.

Travis' Birthday

Travis' birthday was Saturday. We celebrated with him taking the kids to a birthday party while I went to a baby shower in Georgia of a friend from college. Life happens. When I got home that evening, he did want to go eat at Mexico Lindo, and that was nice. I did get them to sing to him, which he said he didn't want but I knew he really did. Travis says that he hates attention, and for the most part, this is true. I can relate to that. Okay, that's a lie. Anyway, you can watch it here. He really did think it was awesome when it was said and done. Here's some pics.

That morning, I picked up a dozen donuts from Lamar's. Sinfully good.

The Birthday Boy

His dessert that they brought him

The servers were really nice to let the kids play with the hat for as long as I was willing to let them.