As I was abruptly and unexpectedly driving to Children's Hospital with both of my kids in tow last Tuesday, July 17th, a million thoughts ran through my mind. I don't remember them all, but I did hear one. I always hear Dave Ramsey say, "You need to be prepared for a rainy day because it is GOING to rain." I knew that day was my day. Our day.
Going back, we got back from the beach on Saturday, the 14th. It was a never ending drive home. Sage literally had to use the bathroom more than all of us put together. I'm talking it was to the point that we were mad at her. We were having to pull over on the side of the road! Before we'd left the condo, she'd drank a bottle of chocolate milk and a water bottle. She was also eating grapes in the car. I barely let her drink anything when we finally stopped to eat, but she still had to use the bathroom more than I could've imagined. But we made it, and we had such a nice vacation. I never wanted to leave. The family left on Sunday morning, and everyone was trying to crawl back into reality whether they liked it or not. I did pretty much nothing on Sunday. So tired. On Monday, Travis went back to work.
I talked about our deal with the staph infection in Sage's finger. Mother of the year here accidentally doubled her antibiotics for the first 3 days until Travis caught it. The bottle said "2 tablespoons or 10 millimeters twice a day," so I was giving her 10 millimeters TWICE (like 2 tablespoons) a day. So we ran out of medicine 4 days early. I honestly thought that the medicine possibly gave her a kidney or bladder infection, causing her to have to pee so much on the way home. But on Monday, when she woke up, she showed me her finger, which had been improving greatly at the beach. It was redder than it had been and had some pus in it at the base of the nail. Hmmm...that's not right. Again, I didn't give the medicine correctly, and I read that staph could be very stubborn. I knew that it was past time for a yearly checkup for her since her birthday was in January, and I had every intention of doing that sooner rather than later anyway. I asked Chrissie if she'd take her because of her finger. She said it was ultimately up to me, but that if I told them, they could probably just call in more. But something in me just wouldn't do that. I even thought of taking her to Cares for her finger...but something in me didn't think that was right either. She needed to see her doctor.
Her doctor hadn't actually seen her, and I wanted her checked for a bladder infection. It was just time for the yearly. I had several questions...one being about bed wetting in general. Sage still had issues with that, but if we got her up once before we went to bed and cut her off from drinking at 6, she was fine. But the past few nights, she was still wetting the bed. Once was even before we got her up at 10. She either had a kidney infection or she was sneaking drinks. Or both. She asked what they'd do for her finger after I made the appointment for 3:15 on Tuesday afternoon. I said, "Well, they'll just give you more medicine. No big deal. But we want to talk to her about other things and make sure you don't have a bladder infection from the medicine." She was good with that because she loves her doctor. I do too. As long as no shots are involved, it's a happy visit.
So off we went the next day. I was glad that they were willing to do 2 birds with 1 stone in looking at her finger and a well checkup. Some places refuse to do that. We went back rather quickly, and Sage was absolutely mortified when they wanted her to put a gown on. She refused for the first several minutes. I said, "Sage...you don't even want to know what I have to do when I go to the doctor. Trust me, this is fine. You're fine. You know your doctor. She's a girl. You're good." Jaggar was playing with the toys in there, and Dr Dela Cruz came in. She's always so happy to see us (as long as no one is sick), and she said that it looked like Sage had injured the finger again. She had at the beach a few times. She also said that staph could be really persistent. When we talked about me doubling the medicine, she said that really wasn't a big deal. It didn't hurt her...if anything it should've cleared it up faster but again, no big deal. The bed wetting was still very common for her age, but to be safe, they'd do a urine test. Sage did that, no problem, and I expected to go home very soon after that. TRULY expected that. But she came into the room and said, "Her urine is clear...but there was sugar in it. Do you have diabetes in your family?" Tears immediately stung my eyes. No. None. Other than older people, who seemed to have that as one more thing on a pile of many other existing health conditions. They were going to have to do a blood sugar test. I told Sage they'd have to prick her finger. She was frantically crying. I didn't understand. A lot of times, after they do a test there, it takes a while for her to come back in with results. But after the nurse pricked Sage's finger, she was barely out the door before Dr Dela Cruz was back in. She said, "I'm so sorry...you're going to need to take her to Children's. It's high. It flashed 600 for a minute, but it wouldn't read. That's as high as our monitor goes. She needs to go tonight. This is diabetes." Um what? How can you say that with just one test? I said that. Isn't there anything else? She shook her head no. She said, "It's not a death sentence, but she needs to be treated. I'll call ahead so they know...but you need to go. We don't want to wait. But it's going to be okay."
I cried. Sage cried. And we walked to the car, with Sage asking a million questions. I honestly don't even remember what I told her. But what I did say was, "Sage, God is in control. And nothing happens that He is unaware of. This isn't going to be fun...but it's also not anything too much for us. He makes sure of that. We put our trust in Him." And I prayed for her. I called Travis. I called my mom. I called Chrissie. Everyone was just stunned. This can't be. I stopped on the way at Chick Fil A and got food for the car. We were hungry, and I knew I was in for a night. Travis was having to tell his customer what was going on, get to a stopping point and go to our house to get what I could think of that I needed. I turned a movie on in the car, and Chrissie talked me to Children's. I'd never been there before, and there was also a lot of construction with detours. I turned in the wrong way, but there was an SUV behind me. It was Sean. Chrissie hopped out and into my car. We valeted my car and went inside the ER. I honestly expected to sit in the waiting room with all the others, but we never sat down. They took her straight to triage and then put her immediately in a bed with a shared "room" type thing where the other people were borderline nuts. I just remember the nurses apologizing and telling me that they'd be going to a room soon. As soon as we sat down, a doctor came in and said, "Hi I'm Dr (Who knows?)...Bad day huh? I'm sorry. I spoke with her pediatrician on the phone, so I know everything...um...we'll get her taken care of. Do you have any questions?" Yes, about a million. Wait, I do. "How do you automatically say this is type 1 diabetes?" He said, "Well...there's just nothing else it can be. There are some VERY rare things, but we do blood work and that tells us. They'll get that worked up in a few. Here's a pen. Write any questions you have on the sheet." They gave her an IV. They stuck her what seemed like a million times that night. I saw one person and doctor after another. Her sugar read 800 in their lab.
Thankfully, Sage was not in what they call DKA, which would have put her in ICU. God allowed her finger that didn't heal to get my attention. He was already protecting us in this...otherwise, she WOULD have gotten sick. Chrissie was there with me the whole time. Blowing up gloves into balloons for my kids. She'd already picked up some cars for Jaggar and a princess toy for Sage. They told us we'd be there 2-3 days for education and learning how to take care of her. But she was going to live a great life, they said. There are all kinds of athletes, actors...tons of successful people who are diabetic. We finally got in a room at about 10. This nurse comes in and starts writing some math problem on the board CF: BS-250 divided by 100. What? She sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher. And she just kept talking and talking. I think Chrissie told her to stop. Travis pulled out the couch for me. Chrissie asked what else I would need. Her kids came in for a few. They left me a ton of drinks..and then it was me and Sage. The lights were finally turned off, and I sobbed. I had never felt such heartache. I literally didn't sleep the entire night. I updated on facebook the situation and was slammed with texts and calls and advice. I appreciated them so much...but I couldn't talk. Everyone knew someone that was diabetic and how well they are doing. For days, I was "educated" on diabetes. They told me that this is why her finger wouldn't heal because of the amount of sugar. This was why she was underweight, they said.
The second day, the actual nurse that would do the teaching didn't come until the end of the day, so everyone before that totally confused and overwhelmed me. I cried during what everyone of them said. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Papers and packets. Formulas. Diets. We were completely blind sided. I was there alone for most of it. We'd just gotten back from vacation. We were trying to find people to keep Jaggar. Travis was trying to work some half days and drive to and from the hospital nightly. Chrissie came for the first long session, taking notes, asking questions. I don't know that I'll ever be able to tell her what that meant to me. I won't go on and on about everything that we learned, but let me say this: diabetes is WAY more complex than I ever thought about. The nurse that did the biggest part of the teaching was really kind. I really liked her. She was very good with Sage and included her. She asked me what I was scared of the most, and I said, "I'm afraid I can't do this. I don't WANT to do this. The numbers and calorie (carbs, in this case) counting... I spent a lot of my life locked into that, and I do not want to do that again. I'm scared of everything. I don't want to hurt her." She was very very reassuring that I would do more than fine. That Sage was fine. She was still mine. She'd still have a family and have babies and do whatever she wanted in life. She asked Sage if she thought that the finger pricks and shots were something we'd just do in the hospital or at home, too. Sage said, "Just in the hospital." It was heartbreaking. She lovingly told her that, no, we'd do this forever. God made her this way, she said, and she was special. I was so tired...but something in me kind of snapped. Yes, I was completely knocked down, but I told Sage that night, "Sage, the bible says that every good and perfect thing comes down from the Father of Lights. Is this good? NO, God absolutely didn't make you this way, but He has ALL power in Himself to fix it, and we will spend every day believing that today is the day. God IS going to heal you because it is not His will that we live sick." She asked me, "Is God ever late?" It was such an interesting question from her. No. Never, I said. The next day, I was down by the elevator going to get something to eat, and this worker comes towards me singing, "He's an on time God...Yes He is!" Hope stirred within me. God was VERY aware of where we were, and He was not asleep on the job.
The days crawled by. I was exhausted. I was an emotional wreck. At night, I cried and asked God what He was doing. We began doing the blood sugar checks and shots under supervision and figuring out the amount of insulin based on the amount of carbs and whether a correction factor was needed based on her current blood sugar. Confused? I was ready and yet terrified to go home. We'd learned so much, but I felt like I knew so little. We needed to be released in time to pick up prescriptions because they can't give you the insulin they used on her. Of course, discharge didn't happen when they said it would, so I told the doctors, "Look, I live an hour away. I can't get her prescriptions in time." The resident said, "Well, we'll just give you what we have." The doctor said, "there's so many rules now..." She said, "Well, if I just leave it and they take it, that's no problem." And they did give it to us.
We got home about 7 pm on Friday. Our neighbor, who babysits for us, came by to watch the kids while we got medicine. Jaggar cried. He hadn't seen me all week. We got that, came home...did the night shot. And then it was me and Travis...and I fell apart. He said, "You've got to get it together. You've got to sleep. You're okay. You're home. She's home. She's okay. We can do this." But when I was alone, I said, "God....this isn't your will. I know it's not. But I need you. I don't know what to do." He directed me to Romans 8. And what was there but all things working together for the good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. How he's always interceding for us. Every sigh and groan, He turns into the right things to pray to the Father for us. And when we get tired, He comes right beside us. The waiting is enlarging us just as a pregnant woman. And no one is diminished in the waiting. Birth pains. And birth pains birth SOMETHING. And the next night...I asked again, "What do I do?" Keep reading. A scripture jumped at me in Romans 9. "Don't think for one second that the Word has malfunctioned." See, years ago, I went through such fear about dying of cancer. And God gave me a promise after YEARS of always thinking I was dying that me and my family would live in a PERPETUAL state of health. He told me to look at SAGE (who was my only child at the time) and think back how many times she'd been to the doctor. She'd been once for her well checkup. This word hasn't malfunctioned. It is STILL true for us. I shouldn't even be SHOCKED that Satan would attack us here because this was such a revelation for me, and it bothered me that people lived sick. In the hospital, I had literal attacks that Jaggar would go through this and my other son. They'd test him, they said. But if it came back positive, he was GETTING diabetes. In Romans 9, it says, "Rebecca was given a promise that took priority over genetics." They say this is partly genetic, part this, part that. Basically, they don't know. But something happened in me that night. I got mad. I got really mad at the devil. Because this isn't genetic. This isn't a consequence of years of not taking care of herself. She's not underweight because of diabetes. She's been small her whole life. This was straight from hell and had nothing to do with genetics. EVERYTHING is spiritual. But I HAVE a promise that takes PRIORITY over genetics, so NO I'm not getting him tested.
I started looking at the responses of people, 'This is so manageable. Oh this isn't that uncommon in children." Maybe that's okay for YOUR child, but not mine. NO. I do NOT accept this. I don't expect people to necessarily get fired up for my kid, but why do you accept it in your own family?! This is not how it's gonna go for us. God has been speaking to me since before this even happened, and I didn't even know it. For the week before, I saw more pictures taken of rainbows in this area than I had in a year. I even took one myself two nights before we went to the hospital. A few days after we'd been home, Sage drew me a picture in the car, and it was a rainbow. It hit me suddenly. God's promise. It has not malfunctioned. We WILL be the head and not the tail. I didn't roll up to Him when I got in sudden trouble and asked Him a favor. He and I have a RELATIONSHIP. A covenant. Do I think He is going to show me favoritism? You better believe it. Because the bible says that to the faithful He shows himself faithful. And if the Word I've known all my life doesn't work for this, then what was the point?! This is war. And this isn't like, "Oh I didn't get the house I wanted or the job or I didn't get pregnant that month, not God's will yet...NO." THIS is absolutely not God's will. I am BLOWN away by CHRISTIANS who say, "Yes, I believe God is this and God is that." But they don't live that way. Because DEMONS believe, but if you have no power, who cares. Faith moves God. Not need. And He WILL show Himself strong on our behalf. I am not afraid. And I've never been more serious about anything. Stakes are high. Because I just don't believe for a second that my seven year old, who just the past few weeks stayed up late reading her Bible, is SUPPOSED to have bruises on her from needle marks. I don't believe my thin 7 year old is supposed to be on a DIET. I don't believe she's supposed to prick her finger 4 times a day and at 2 am every time that there's a change. And here is my deal right now, I tell EVERYONE that asks me about this (teachers, friends, strangers... EVERYONE), that she WILL be healed...and if you don't believe that, if you don't want to line your faith up with ours, you better go somewhere else. We were knocked down, but we're sure not out. I told the devil, "You made a mistake. Because you've set yourself up to be made a fool. I take every authority that I have over you and curse this sickness. To HELL with diabetes." This isn't it for us. We're not just going to sit here and pity in this and say this is our life, this is her life. We'll get used to it. NO. And to those that join me in this, that join US in this, THANK YOU. God IS able to do exceedingly, abundantly above ALL that we think or ask! THIS is the time to put your money where your mouth is. If all God could do for me was what I could do or what doctors could do, what would be the point???
I fully expect advice from non-believers and nurses, but CHRISTIANS who are actually telling me that "it's hard at first but before long it's just a way of life," should be ASHAMED. And I FULLY 100% REJECT that. Either they don't know the word or they just don't believe it. Or they're afraid that THEY are going to be embarrassed? I don't know. There's nothing else. ALL of my hope is in Him, on Him. Because JESUS said, "I give you power to tread on serpents and scorpions and ALL the power of the enemy and NOTHING shall by any means harm you." He said that He was with me. He said (Psalm 91), "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!" He said, "Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path."
This is not a metaphor. This is the word. This is the promise, and I am sticking with HIM.
So if YOU want to live with finger pricks and a lifetime of shots, BE MY GUEST, but MY GOD paid the price for that and it is NOT going to be a part of our life. If the salt doesn't change the flavor and the light doesn't pierce the darkness, WHAT IS THE POINT?? Do I sound a little crazy? A little fired up? I know in whom I have believed. I don't sing songs about Him and say typical verses because they SOUND PRETTY. A nursery rhyme could do that. But I BELIEVE THAT THE POWER OF LIFE AND DEATH is in MY TONGUE, and I SPEAK LIFE. I CURSE "getting used to this." And I throw that back in anyone's face that tries to say that to us. I couldn't care less if it hurts their feelings. They better WAKE UP. I don't know WHEN, but my faith doesn't require details. It's on HIM-the author and FINISHER of my faith, and you better believe He's going to finish what He started. So yes, it has rained on us. It is PAINFUL, but I know that not one tear I've cried or fear I've felt has gone unnoticed. And there is a reward, and I'm not talking about just in Heaven. His will will be done on EARTH as it is in Heaven. If you don't believe that, get out of the way. I waited a while to write this because I'm tired. I knew it would take a lot, and the first part of what we're living was/is very painful to relive...but the second part...that which really IS, ENCOURAGES me and makes me feel strong. Also, importantly, I asked Sage a few nights ago because she hears the voice of God. I asked her, "Sage, has God spoken to you since this started?" She said, "Yes. He said this isn't going to ruin my life." There you go. I know people are watching us. The night I came home sobbing in the shower, God told me that a lot of people see us as living the good life. But they relate to pain, and He would use this as a way to illustrate His glory in us. And no one would doubt where our strength comes from. It's easy to praise when life is good...but when it's bad...I still praise Him. I still trust Him. Even if He DIDN'T heal her, I'd still love Him. He's been that good to me. But I know His nature and character and how much He loves children...and know this isn't the way for one of His own to live. I don't know how long this night will last for us, but it will end. And there will be great joy in the morning.
So here's a bit of my inspiration. I've never been more desperate for ENCOURAGING, life giving words. Not wishy washy bull. Here's the man for that...and so many of you. Thank you. My friend Ramey told me, "God always writes the best stories, and they always have good endings." I'm so thankful for friends that don't even hesitate at the news of this diagnosis that say, "Oh no. Nope." We should be MAD when the devil attacks us, not apologetic. Because, we as believers have POWER. And I'm glad I've got those in my life.
I watch all of these over and over and over. It is LIFE to me. Because right now reality says no...but there is another side, another way, that is the final word. If you don't think like this, you don't need to be in our lives right now.
This is our life right now...
This one starts at 1:44 goes through 10 min and something and picks back up at 13:18.
2nd part of that
This was on Tuesday, the day of her appointment and what would be the final hours of what we knew as normal. We spend a few hours swimming everyday, and that has not changed.
This was in the ER...poor Jaggar. He didn't know what was going on all week. Picture taking wasn't at the top of my list at the time, but Chrissie snapped one. They looked cute so I took one, too.
This was probably the first morning in the hospital. Sage asked me to take a picture, I think. I wasn't exactly having a time I wanted to remember, but it's good. I think it's important for people to understand that she was okay. People ask me how she is. She was never sick. She never felt sick. Let me be clear: Sage LOVED being in the hospital. Yes, it's true. She said, "I love being served. I get to lay in bed all day and be served." Meanwhile, I'm sleeping on what feels like a card table where they brought me NOTHING. Yes, a Children's Hospital that requires an adult to stay brings them nothing...except crackers. I swore I lost 5 lbs while in there. But Sage was enjoying the service thoroughly, and that's no exaggeration. I will say that I've noticed a positive difference in her attitude since we've been home. She does seem like she feels better, even though she can't tell...I can at this point.
Only my child would bedazzle her IV. Chrissie brought Sage a ton of crafty type things to do. Sage couldn't watch TV when the nurses were in our room teaching, so she played with some of the things that Chrissie brought or watched movies on Chrissie's ipad that she left with us while we were there.
Chrissie sent this to me one morning. Harrison wrote this all by himself. I cried. Childlike faith. It will get the job done.
This stethoscope was in the room, and Sage played with it a lot. She thought it was great. She'd put it on my stomach and swore she heard the baby's heartbeat. The baby, who was more active in those midnight hours of laying there in that hospital room, than he'd EVER been in his weeks long length of existence.
So right before we left on Friday, the doctors came in one more time to answer any questions we had and discharge us. As they left, the attending physician saw Sage playing with the stethoscope and said, "You can take that home if you'd like." Santa himself couldn't have topped that for her.
As soon as we left, I met Chrissie at Brookwood mall to get Jaggar. This...frog was in the food court, and of course, Jaggar ambushed him. Jaggar would have a breakdown from excitement if we went to Disney World. He is obsessed with characters. Sage was thrilled to see her friends and show them how she can get a shot and not cry. We totally went for it and had Chick-fil-a right there. Isacah and Harrison were fascinated with Sage getting a shot. Sage has never cried about this, and she even pricks her own finger...4 times a day. It's pretty amazing how brave she's been. Never complains. Since we've been home, we've had to do 2am blood sugar checks because they keep changing things to get it regulated. They call this the honeymoon period, where they say her pancreas will still have a few cells left that work, making it very difficult to regulate. You never know when those cells will come out, so dosing her with insulin on top of this causes these unexpected lows..and you just have to deal with it and pretty much guess. I personally...and I don't KNOW...but I believe we have to get through this before God heals her. Otherwise, they're going to say it's the honeymoon period. It is VERY nerve wracking because she tends to go too low in the nights. She started at 6 units of the long acting insulin, and today they have taken her down to 3.5. But that has been gradual, so every time they make a change, that is 3 more nights of 2 am blood sugar checks. I will be MORE than happy for that to end. I. AM. Exhausted. I have been up at 2 am...sometimes for extended lengths of time since we were in the hospital. And yet...I find it hard to sleep because I'm making sure she's okay. God did remind me that He that watches over us never slumbers or sleeps though. I know He is in control, and this had a definite beginning...and it also has a definite end.
Two days after we got home, Sage went to a birthday party. It was important for me that she felt normal. She had cake and ice cream just like every other kid there. It was a flip flop party, and they gave flip flops as a favor to the guests. Sage was excited that she was given Old Navy shoes like I already had. She also wanted to know why the veins in my feet stuck out. It could be because I haven't sat down in a week, but I don't know. ;) jk.
This is the picture of the rainbow that I mentioned that Sage drew me in the car a few days after we got home. All of those rainbows I'd seen before this happened didn't hit me until she handed me this picture, and then they ALL came flooding back. I realized what God had been saying.
And here we are now. We swim every day. We play. Sage is eating more food than she has in her life. Jaggar asks if he can do it whenever he sees us give her a shot or she pricks her finger. He wants to do it to HER, not himself. He's very serious, too. It's very new to us: all of it. Sometimes, it's overwhelming. Sometimes, it's overwhelming a LOT of times, but in those times, God always shows Himself strong to me. And I have strength to keep going because this is a fight we are going to win. We already HAVE.
