Freedom

I went out on that limb tonight. I am more than pleased to say it did not break. Oh no. I don't even know how to begin this, but everything I felt all week was so accurate. Thank you, Holy Spirit. I knew I was headed for a divine appointment, and I lost about 1000lbs tonight. Do you know what the heaviest thing in the world is to carry? Anger. Bitterness. Resentment. Unforgiveness. I have carried all of these things for our entire marriage, and tonight, I let it all go. Travis and I have been through a lot in our marriage. If you know me, you know what I'm talking about. Because this is one post, I don't want to tell my life story on here. It's really unimportant. Earlier this week, I asked Travis to get his entire family here at our house tonight. I emailed his daughter, Meagan, and asked her to come to my house tonight for dinner. I had some things I wanted to say.

We have never done anything like this before, but I was ready for this. And I wanted every single one of them in a room, and tonight, that's what I got. I told you all I was feeling crazy lately. I could hardly sleep last night. I felt like an inmate that had been in prison for 8 1/2 years on the night before their release. I didn't have anything written...just lots of reassurances that God was with me and THIS was my night. The family was all kind of freaked. They thought we were moving. They thought I was pregnant. Nope. I did not have any terminal illness.

And for the next hour plus, I told them how sorry I was for letting one offense completely shut me off to them. I was sorry for the years that I took from Meagan to not be in her dad's life. I was sorry to Travis for taking years to be in Meagan's life. I was sorry that they didn't know their grand kids--Sage and Jaggar--like they could. I was sorry that because I was so hurt, which turned into anger, that they didn't even really know ME--the real me, which I'd like to think is pretty cool. I was sorry that I thought I was the judge of everything they did, especially Meagan. I told her that what she does isn't WHO she is. I was sorry they didn't feel comfortable around me because of hurt and anger all around. And through tears, I asked them all to forgive me. I NEEDED them to forgive me. I asked Meagan to forgive me for the hurt I had caused her.

I asked them all to forgive me for treating them like this all with the name of Jesus on my sleeve. I assured them that He is better than that. I told them I was letting it all go because I was ready for my life to change. My anger was hurting ME. That I didn't know exactly why it took me this long, but something in me had changed me. I was not the same. That it is never too late to be the person you should have been. My life is too short. Time is too short. I was laying it ALL down. LETTING GO. I held nothing against them, and I asked them to please do the same for me. I was so sorry for how I hurt them. Especially Meagan. I told her she could not change a thing about her life. She could have 3 more kids, and she wouldn't be any less loved. I told her where she is now is not where she is going. I apologized to her that she was looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places when she should have gotten it here. I did that. Out of the blue. On a Friday night 2 weeks before Christmas. One act of obedience changed my life. My family's life. I told them I didn't know exactly what this would look like in the future--a family not holding hurts--, but I needed them to know they were loved and welcome in my home. I was so sorry that I held them in contempt for so long.

FORGIVE ME. And they did. And they each offered their own apologies. And I didn't even do that ON the condition that they apologized back. They didn't have to. I then watched, as Travis' stepmom (who Travis' dad cheated with when Travis was 14 and obviously married) apologized to Eletha, Travis' mom, and Travis for tearing their family apart so many years ago. One act of obedience broke YEARS and generations of strongholds. You see, Travis told me weeks ago, in what was actually a fight on how cruelly I had treated Meagan, that fortunately or unfortunately for me, I AM that person that people are attracted to. I can change things. I decided to do it. I was ready to change my life. I am that person. I went for it with all the passion and heart that I have, and with God's grace and power, I did it. I can literally change the world, and I just did--my own. Thank you, sweet Jesus. Are we perfect and the Partridge family now? NO WAY. But the walls, hate and anger were just bulldozed tonight. Thanks, Jesus. There is work to do(that's kind of just life, right?), but it's able to be done now. And I AM FREE. I am free to be exactly who I am supposed to be. I don't ever, EVER want anyone to think I hate them ever again in my life. My load just got a whole lot lighter.