Grief

Apparently, I'm a bit bi-polar today. Isn't it funny? I was having the best day, and like an attack, grief snuck up and struck. It was so unexpected that it completely took me off guard, and I found myself sobbing. What the heck? I was on my own facebook looking through pictures--MY pictures. I mean, you'd think there'd be no surprise in that, but there was.

I found this one. It was from when I had my droid, and I had to rush to see if it was still on what is now Travis' phone...at 11:20pm. Thank God, Travis is not obsessive compulsive in deleting pictures like I am. He had ALL of my old pics on there. It was such a relief to have it.

And I hadn't seen it or thought of it since the day. I'd forgotten that moment. And when I saw it, the day flooded back. I thought of how happy my Papa was that all of his great grandkids were there with him that day. That was the last day I saw him. I am SO sorry I was not there with him before he died. I can never get that back, and I am, right now, in this moment terribly, terribly sorry. Mom said he wasn't awake at all after the first day...but I think he knew who was there. I wish I could have held his hand. I wish I could have told him that I would see him again and that I LOVED him. I didn't cry on Thanksgiving when he wasn't there, but I find myself now, all of a sudden, re-realizing that I won't see him on THIS earth ever again and suddenly so hit with emotion by that reality. I've grieved for many things in my life. I grieve for stupid things: a prior, lower weight, better skin...isn't that shallow and petty? Yeah, I'm like that sometimes. I've mentioned how I have grieved over friendships. Time lost. Being a child again myself. Telling my younger self what I now know. Sage said, out of the blue just a few days ago, "I wish little Papa was still alive." I looked at her and smiled and thought for a minute before I said, "You know...I miss him. But I don't wish him here. Because he is whole and complete. And we will see him again one day." She was content with that, too. And...I stand by that. But for now, at 11:30pm, I grieve.