This could take a while. But I have something on my heart that I want to share, which is not the norm of my precious children and family, but I think it's worthy to be written, if for no one else but me. Kent preached a message today that so struck me that I felt it was almost necessary that I write out some of it and the impact it had on me. It was about....get ready for it....Religiously Transmitted Diseases, and guess what? I have every one of them. This past year has been an interesting one for me, and for the past several weeks, I've been thinking, "I want to change my life." I'll get into that more, but for now....here goes. Part of it anyway.
The first one? Reverse hypochondria. Everyone knows a hypochondriac is someone who thinks there is always something wrong with them. Read any of my blogs from 2008, and you'll see a prime example. Well, reverse hypochondriacs think there is NEVER anything wrong with THEM. Religious deception. Being numb to who you really are. The key? Boasting in your weaknesses. Because in your weaknesses, HE is strong. So, here's a few of mine: I love to be right, reconciled, acknowledged, agreed with, and respected. The problem with this is that not everyone wants to treat me that way. And, more importantly, I don't treat everyone that way myself! And the other problem is that I'm not always right. I tend to forget this. Purposefully. I feel like I'm so well spoken that, by God, I HAVE to be onto something that's correct. I also tend to listen to these types of messages with OTHER people in mind. Not the case today. I took it all in for ME. I am getting off my prideful high horse, recognizing that I can be an all out bitch and saying, "Yep, I've got issues. But because I know they're there, HE is working on them. I want to do right, but I just can't. God is attracted to that and will rescue me and change me into who I'm supposed to be."
2. Herman's Disease: things are not as they appear. It's the method we use to determine truth or the meaning of things that are going on around us. It's how we see the truth. We have so many different sets of glasses or filters to view things that it's scary. And it may not be right. We can't trust our OWN judgement and only surround ourselves with people that see things just like WE do. I have to surround myself with people of truth who also see things differently than me. I don't have a filter of being a former drug addict. Or an alcoholic. They have something to offer me. I do NOT know it all. (YEAH, I took notes today in church. Everything about today was something I needed. Everything)
3. This last one stung the most for me and will be what I get into the most. It is Spiritual HIV--getting hurt by others. When we get hurt, we end up ungiving. We can't give a conversation, a smile...and everyone loses. Matthew 18:7 says, "Offense will come but woe to the man by whom they come." And what got me the most? I don't know exactly how all this translated stuff works, but offense means "the stick in the animal trap that holds it up--bait." You become stuck by Satan when you fall into offense, and it will kill you. I've recently been very hurt in a relationship that I valued a lot. It completely blindsided me, and because of that, I've had so many different emotions about it that I didn't even really know how I felt about it. I still don't. I just did not understand it at all. I'd never had a friendship that was instantly severed, and I didn't know what to do with that. I wondered what I'd done wrong to cause that to happen. I still DO wonder that. And the first thing I said was, "I am done." I am not talking to ANYONE other than Chrissie or Travis again other than "hey" for a long time. Case in point of this message: get hurt and INSTANTLY close up.
And then? I hear this message. The cure for this is forgiveness, but what does that mean? Literally: to send off, to release and to let go. And when Kent said that, I had a flashback. When I was talking with Travis about how broken I was in this friendship, his exact words, which were DAYS before this message were, 'Just let it go." OMG. He was prophesying to me and didn't even know it. In discussing about the possibility of hell and punishment a few days ago (long story), I said the very words, "I think I'm just gonna let it go." Letting go means freeing yourself. I have a lot to let go of. When I love someone, I REALLY love them, not in a way that's inappropriate, my GOD, but you know? So in a close relationship, if I feel like I've just been completely burned (and hey, I've got a few of these), it's just devastating to me. And my first reaction is just to shut down and freeze. But something deeper in me and bigger than myself urges me to do the opposite of my instinct. I refuse to retreat into myself and not offer anyone else what I have. There are people that NEED what I have. And I need what they have. And are the people that hurt me wrong and bad? No, they have different filters, too! I can't say that they're wrong. I could be wrong. I'm sure I am in some ways! Honestly, none of that even matters. I'm still confused about it all, and as much as I WANT to know the INs and OUTs of EVERYTHING, I just have to be content to trust God to have my best interests at heart. Because it's either that or drive myself and everyone else crazy, and I've found that trusting Him is JUST the way to go.
And before all of this, I was trying to make some sense of it, to find some peace...and I heard that song we used to sing a long time ago...I hadn't thought of it in YEARS (you can listen here and cry like I do. ps: sometimes I sing like Darlene Zschech in my dreams.), "When the darkness fills my senses, when my blindness keeps me from your touch. Jesus come. When my burdens keep me doubting, when my memories take the place of you, Jesus come. And I'll follow you there to the place where we meet. And I'll lay down my pride as you search me again. Your unfailing love, your unfailing love, your unfailing love over me again." And what did we sing today? "Praise you God of earth and sky how beautiful is your unfailing love, unfailing love. And you never change, God you remain, the Holy One and my unfailing love." GOD is the only one who will never fail us. So when people hurt us, they're not evil and out for our demise. They're just....people. And guess what? I KNOW I'm on some people's lists for wrongdoing too, but I'm planning on changing that. Not that I won't be back on some, but God's unfailing love inspires me to be better than myself.
I don't know if this is making sense on here like it is in my heart, but what I'm saying is, I really REALLY want to change my life. I have spent WAY too much of my life trying to justify myself, and I'm just kind of done with it. I'm ready to release people that have caused me pain because you know who it's holding? Me. I've felt this way for a few weeks now about different people in my life, and guess what? It's coming to a head, and my life is about to RADICALLY change. Get ready for that. I've got divine times AND appointments to set some people free that I've held in contempt for a while now. No one is making me or setting it up. I'm really ready to change my path. Sound different than the norm for me? You better believe it.
And if none of that made sense, just listen to how Madea puts it. :)
The first one? Reverse hypochondria. Everyone knows a hypochondriac is someone who thinks there is always something wrong with them. Read any of my blogs from 2008, and you'll see a prime example. Well, reverse hypochondriacs think there is NEVER anything wrong with THEM. Religious deception. Being numb to who you really are. The key? Boasting in your weaknesses. Because in your weaknesses, HE is strong. So, here's a few of mine: I love to be right, reconciled, acknowledged, agreed with, and respected. The problem with this is that not everyone wants to treat me that way. And, more importantly, I don't treat everyone that way myself! And the other problem is that I'm not always right. I tend to forget this. Purposefully. I feel like I'm so well spoken that, by God, I HAVE to be onto something that's correct. I also tend to listen to these types of messages with OTHER people in mind. Not the case today. I took it all in for ME. I am getting off my prideful high horse, recognizing that I can be an all out bitch and saying, "Yep, I've got issues. But because I know they're there, HE is working on them. I want to do right, but I just can't. God is attracted to that and will rescue me and change me into who I'm supposed to be."
2. Herman's Disease: things are not as they appear. It's the method we use to determine truth or the meaning of things that are going on around us. It's how we see the truth. We have so many different sets of glasses or filters to view things that it's scary. And it may not be right. We can't trust our OWN judgement and only surround ourselves with people that see things just like WE do. I have to surround myself with people of truth who also see things differently than me. I don't have a filter of being a former drug addict. Or an alcoholic. They have something to offer me. I do NOT know it all. (YEAH, I took notes today in church. Everything about today was something I needed. Everything)
3. This last one stung the most for me and will be what I get into the most. It is Spiritual HIV--getting hurt by others. When we get hurt, we end up ungiving. We can't give a conversation, a smile...and everyone loses. Matthew 18:7 says, "Offense will come but woe to the man by whom they come." And what got me the most? I don't know exactly how all this translated stuff works, but offense means "the stick in the animal trap that holds it up--bait." You become stuck by Satan when you fall into offense, and it will kill you. I've recently been very hurt in a relationship that I valued a lot. It completely blindsided me, and because of that, I've had so many different emotions about it that I didn't even really know how I felt about it. I still don't. I just did not understand it at all. I'd never had a friendship that was instantly severed, and I didn't know what to do with that. I wondered what I'd done wrong to cause that to happen. I still DO wonder that. And the first thing I said was, "I am done." I am not talking to ANYONE other than Chrissie or Travis again other than "hey" for a long time. Case in point of this message: get hurt and INSTANTLY close up.
And then? I hear this message. The cure for this is forgiveness, but what does that mean? Literally: to send off, to release and to let go. And when Kent said that, I had a flashback. When I was talking with Travis about how broken I was in this friendship, his exact words, which were DAYS before this message were, 'Just let it go." OMG. He was prophesying to me and didn't even know it. In discussing about the possibility of hell and punishment a few days ago (long story), I said the very words, "I think I'm just gonna let it go." Letting go means freeing yourself. I have a lot to let go of. When I love someone, I REALLY love them, not in a way that's inappropriate, my GOD, but you know? So in a close relationship, if I feel like I've just been completely burned (and hey, I've got a few of these), it's just devastating to me. And my first reaction is just to shut down and freeze. But something deeper in me and bigger than myself urges me to do the opposite of my instinct. I refuse to retreat into myself and not offer anyone else what I have. There are people that NEED what I have. And I need what they have. And are the people that hurt me wrong and bad? No, they have different filters, too! I can't say that they're wrong. I could be wrong. I'm sure I am in some ways! Honestly, none of that even matters. I'm still confused about it all, and as much as I WANT to know the INs and OUTs of EVERYTHING, I just have to be content to trust God to have my best interests at heart. Because it's either that or drive myself and everyone else crazy, and I've found that trusting Him is JUST the way to go.
And before all of this, I was trying to make some sense of it, to find some peace...and I heard that song we used to sing a long time ago...I hadn't thought of it in YEARS (you can listen here and cry like I do. ps: sometimes I sing like Darlene Zschech in my dreams.), "When the darkness fills my senses, when my blindness keeps me from your touch. Jesus come. When my burdens keep me doubting, when my memories take the place of you, Jesus come. And I'll follow you there to the place where we meet. And I'll lay down my pride as you search me again. Your unfailing love, your unfailing love, your unfailing love over me again." And what did we sing today? "Praise you God of earth and sky how beautiful is your unfailing love, unfailing love. And you never change, God you remain, the Holy One and my unfailing love." GOD is the only one who will never fail us. So when people hurt us, they're not evil and out for our demise. They're just....people. And guess what? I KNOW I'm on some people's lists for wrongdoing too, but I'm planning on changing that. Not that I won't be back on some, but God's unfailing love inspires me to be better than myself.
I don't know if this is making sense on here like it is in my heart, but what I'm saying is, I really REALLY want to change my life. I have spent WAY too much of my life trying to justify myself, and I'm just kind of done with it. I'm ready to release people that have caused me pain because you know who it's holding? Me. I've felt this way for a few weeks now about different people in my life, and guess what? It's coming to a head, and my life is about to RADICALLY change. Get ready for that. I've got divine times AND appointments to set some people free that I've held in contempt for a while now. No one is making me or setting it up. I'm really ready to change my path. Sound different than the norm for me? You better believe it.
And if none of that made sense, just listen to how Madea puts it. :)
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