The Big Reveal

On Monday, we had an appointment to get a very big question answered for us: boy or girl???? I was going to wait until the 20 week appointment, but suspense got to me, so I scheduled an ultrasound at my 16 week appointment. Travis and both kids went with me. Sage was ADAMANT that it was a girl. Honestly, I felt that she was right, too. She was desperate for a sister and said, "With Jaggar, I didn't know you could pray and get what you wanted! So I've been praying this is a girl! God told me it's a girl!" I loved her persistence and faith. And I was with her. I was feeling this was a girl, and I would have LOVED to do the girl thing again. It's been 7 1/2 years since I had Sage, and baby girls are FUN to dress.

So as the days drew closer to the appointment, I became so ready to know. I start, like Sage, knowing it's a girl. The night before the ultrasound, we had horrible storms. NEVER ENDING storms. I swear it was like a thunder/lightning/hale storm that never let up, much less quit. I was up from 3:30 am and on for the day. I was waiting for Jaggar to wake up crying from it, and sure enough, that happened around 4. He was talking to me because, like the rest of us, it was too loud for him to sleep, too. At one point, he was sure that he saw Santa's sleigh. Terrific. The only cool thing about being awake is that, for the first time during this pregnancy, I was SURE those little "bumps" I had been feeling for the past few days were DEFINITE baby kicks.

But somehow in the midst of all of this, I had a dream. It had to be before the storms started. I dreamed I was in some house and there was an ultrasound machine. I was alone, and I picked up the transducer and put it on my stomach. There was the baby in all of its glory and I scanned down to see what it was. At first, it appeared to be a girl, and then it focused and it was suddenly clear that it was NOT a girl. I woke up. Really? My dreams were right that I was pregnant. But I HAD thought girl...and the Chinese gender chart (however silly it is) said girl and it had always been right for me before. My intuitions were always right.... We were in the dr's office waiting and waiting. Sage was still saying girl. Jaggar was still saying puppy. He says pretty consistently, "I wish I had a doggy in my belly." Travis didn't really care. He said boy the night before, but he said that it probably was a girl right before we went back. So we were finally called back, and HERE is our ultrasound.

(Let me clarify that Travis saying, "Is there another one in there?" was not a disappointed reaction. HE really wanted twins. TOTALLY wanted them. I wouldn't have minded either. Our issue isn't the number of kids we have, but HIS issue is his age...and that's fine. Just wanted to point that out.)


Obviously, I saw it instantly. It was so much like my dream. Just that instant: that is definitely a boy. And there was no denying it. I have said the whole time that I really didn't care what I had. And I didn't. But I found myself shockingly sad that I wasn't having a girl. Like tearfully sad. I hated myself for it because it sounded like I didn't or wouldn't love my child, but I had no control over how I felt. It was partly, if not moreso, PURE EXHAUSTION, and the 4 lbs I gained in 4 weeks, according to this visit, was enough to push me over the edge. They informed me I was just catching up from not gaining much in the beginning. Because you know, it's only fair, I guess.

I fall apart when I'm tired, but I realized how much I REALLY wanted to do the girl thing, too, when I realized that I wouldn't be doing it again. And I saw how much Sage prayed and believed, and I wanted God to honor that....not that He didn't, but just like she expected Him to. But you know what? SHE never missed a beat. She never fell apart. She grinned. She never acted mad. Later, when Jaggar wasn't being so nice she kind of fell back on wanting a girl, but it was WAY more me that lost it. I can't even fall on that, "I've never had a boy. I don't know if I'll like it." like I did with Jaggar...it was purely immature and selfish on my part...mostly. I REALLY wanted to buy girl things, go through girl names, decorate a girl's room, buy shoes and HUGE headbands and bows. I had been eying them! Fact is, they DO make cuter girl things. And I REALLY wanted Sage to have exactly what she hoped for and prayed for. But I was also deeply sad for all of Sage's things that I had stored away that wouldn't be used again. I was sad to have to paint over her walls in her old room that my brother painted. I guess, in a way, I was mourning for HER growing up because it sure has gone by faster than I wanted it to or ever thought it would. And also...I just REALLY thought it was a girl.

I can't explain my awful emotions...other than they're just that--feelings. And they don't mean reality, thank GOD because as I said, I am NOT proud of the unexpected overwhelming emotions that flooded me. Before we ever knew, on the way there, I prayed with the kids because Sage had prayed SO much for a girl...I knew it was obviously possible that it MAY not go that way. And I said, "God, thank you for this baby. For giving it to our family. You know the desires of our heart, (to which Sage chimed in, YEAH BUT WE WANT A GIRL)...but you know them deeper than we do. Give us those..." I think about sometimes how I think I want something to eat. I just KNOW that (whatever I've chosen) is going to be IT for me, and I get it...and it really wasn't quite what I wanted. I have to believe that God knows the deepest parts of us, and I have no doubt that, as always, He has already given me exactly what I really wanted. I look forward to my continuing pregnancy and expected arrival of our SON.

As for Sage, I am very proud of her. She never complained. She is already choosing things that are for boys in stores. And today she said, "You know, I'm glad this is a boy. Because NOW, I'm the only girl, and I'm the cute one. I don't want to have to share that." :) She means "pretty," I'm sure, because we ALL know how cute Jaggar is. Either way, a little vanity never hurt anyone.

Clearly, it's a boy.

I couldn't really lose either way, could I?