Crying It Out

I've mentioned that I'm nearing the end of my rope with interrupted sleep and lack of sleep.  I've posted the pretty pictures of Costner's room that he has yet to spend a night in.  So last Saturday, I did what no one else in this house is willing to do:  I laid him down after I KNEW he was exhausted but refused sleep and let him cry.  Sage was appalled.  She can't STAND for him to cry.  Travis wasn't home, so I knew it was a good time to try.  Sage said, "I'm just going to tell you right now that he's not going to go to sleep."  Well, after 40 minutes, I went to check on him and saw this.

He had given it up, but it wasn't without a price.  Notice the wet staining around his neck.  When he woke up after about...oh 30 minutes (I was hoping for hours), I saw that what I THOUGHT could just be drool or tears was actually puke.  He had cottage cheese all in the back of his hair, requiring me to re wash his hair and take all of his bedding off to wash.  SO...round one:  Costner.  We're trying again today as we speak, and again, he's not going down without a fight. 

Pink Exersaucer for Bleu

During VBS, I went to Nichole's house one day after giving Sage her medicine since I only had a little over an hour before it was over.  She had been cleaning out some things and asked if I wanted to borrow their exersaucer for Costner.  I have a swing, a seat and a playpen for him (for changing downstairs), and Travis FREAKS about them taking up too much room.  So I don't really buy all the baby stuff that I COULD have, but I was glad to have it knowing when we're done, I can turn right around and give it back.  Costner doesn't even mind that it's pink.  :)  Funny story:  We call Costner a little bit of everything:  Costner, Costner Bleu, Bleu, Bleu Jack, Costner Bleu Jack...so Paisley heard Jaggar call him Costner Bleu.  SHE thought that was hilarious but decided to call him "Costner Pink" because pink is her favorite color.  Cute.

 He likes it most days.  :)  I know, that's terrible, but he's the most rotten baby you've ever seen, so when he cried for more than 5 seconds, he got really loud like this because it was a crime towards him.  He's used to getting what he wants BEFORE he wants it.


 He always goes back to this.  That smile melts me.  Precious angel.

Honey DO

One of the reasons that I nag Travis so much to get things done that seem like big tasks...is because I know that he can do just about anything. When we first moved into our house years ago, there was something (I can't even remember what it was now) that was messed up for over a year. He knew it was. I knew it was. And then one day, he just came in and fixed it in about 5 minutes. I remember going, "Um, why the heck didn't you do that a YEAR AND A HALF AGO?" He laughed and said, "I don't know." He's done that to me NUMEROUS times, so now, I can pretty much drive him crazy about anything because I know he is capable to get done what I want done. I simply want him to fulfill all of his potential. :) So a few weeks ago, I informed him that I was almost finished with my 2nd trimester of pregnancy and reminded him that there are only three to make a full grown baby ready to be birthed. I've got several irons in the fire when it comes to this child's room, but very few of them are complete yet. (Translated: None of them are complete or even started.)

None of them could really even begin until the room was painted. Enter Travis. Everyone thinks I have it made being married to a painter. That would be false. Apparently, I don't pay him enough like his other customers so I'm not high on the list. But where I don't fulfill in payment, I can fulfill in causing misery. You ladies know what I mean. So since yesterday was LABOR DAY and Travis took off work early, I thought "What better day to paint HERE?" He didn't seem to agree. It was 5:00 before he got started. He asked me what exactly I wanted done. Really? Knowing we had 3 different paint colors sitting upstairs, I didn't really know why that question was necessary. BUT beginning at 5pm and being completely done at 9:30 pm (and eating dinner in the midst of that), he did complete 2 of the 3 tasks I had for him to do yesterday: painting the baby's room and the boys' bathroom. Completely. Two to three coats in about 4 hours or less.

The kids just thought it was AWESOME to watch him paint. Jaggar said, "Daddy, that paint is so beautiful." Ha! I love him.

The dresser that was Sage's was pulled from the wall, and we discovered this: her chewed up gum collection that she apparently hid...in the floor behind it for God knows how long??? We called her upstairs and said, "Sage, we pulled your old dresser out..." she said, "I already know what you're going to say." Chrissie said, "That is awesome and disgusting," which I found to be an accurate description of children.

Here it is...one last look at Kevin's work that he did 8 years ago now. Sigh... I just didn't think that pink giraffes were appropriate for this new boy. Travis sanded it down and put 3 coats on this wall so these are but a memory. The color I chose is called Winter's Day. Travis and I go round and round about colors. I wanted a very, very light gray, and he was pleased with what I chose.

And here is the boys' bathroom in Ocean Fog. This bathroom was hot, HOT pink. I have this color--Ocean Fog-- more than any other color in our house. It's in our family room, half bath, and Sage's room and bath. It's so soothing and pretty to me. So...we have a start. Up next on Travis' list for this week is the crib, and I have a really fun color picked out for that. Stay tuned. :)

The Big Reveal

On Monday, we had an appointment to get a very big question answered for us: boy or girl???? I was going to wait until the 20 week appointment, but suspense got to me, so I scheduled an ultrasound at my 16 week appointment. Travis and both kids went with me. Sage was ADAMANT that it was a girl. Honestly, I felt that she was right, too. She was desperate for a sister and said, "With Jaggar, I didn't know you could pray and get what you wanted! So I've been praying this is a girl! God told me it's a girl!" I loved her persistence and faith. And I was with her. I was feeling this was a girl, and I would have LOVED to do the girl thing again. It's been 7 1/2 years since I had Sage, and baby girls are FUN to dress.

So as the days drew closer to the appointment, I became so ready to know. I start, like Sage, knowing it's a girl. The night before the ultrasound, we had horrible storms. NEVER ENDING storms. I swear it was like a thunder/lightning/hale storm that never let up, much less quit. I was up from 3:30 am and on for the day. I was waiting for Jaggar to wake up crying from it, and sure enough, that happened around 4. He was talking to me because, like the rest of us, it was too loud for him to sleep, too. At one point, he was sure that he saw Santa's sleigh. Terrific. The only cool thing about being awake is that, for the first time during this pregnancy, I was SURE those little "bumps" I had been feeling for the past few days were DEFINITE baby kicks.

But somehow in the midst of all of this, I had a dream. It had to be before the storms started. I dreamed I was in some house and there was an ultrasound machine. I was alone, and I picked up the transducer and put it on my stomach. There was the baby in all of its glory and I scanned down to see what it was. At first, it appeared to be a girl, and then it focused and it was suddenly clear that it was NOT a girl. I woke up. Really? My dreams were right that I was pregnant. But I HAD thought girl...and the Chinese gender chart (however silly it is) said girl and it had always been right for me before. My intuitions were always right.... We were in the dr's office waiting and waiting. Sage was still saying girl. Jaggar was still saying puppy. He says pretty consistently, "I wish I had a doggy in my belly." Travis didn't really care. He said boy the night before, but he said that it probably was a girl right before we went back. So we were finally called back, and HERE is our ultrasound.

(Let me clarify that Travis saying, "Is there another one in there?" was not a disappointed reaction. HE really wanted twins. TOTALLY wanted them. I wouldn't have minded either. Our issue isn't the number of kids we have, but HIS issue is his age...and that's fine. Just wanted to point that out.)


Obviously, I saw it instantly. It was so much like my dream. Just that instant: that is definitely a boy. And there was no denying it. I have said the whole time that I really didn't care what I had. And I didn't. But I found myself shockingly sad that I wasn't having a girl. Like tearfully sad. I hated myself for it because it sounded like I didn't or wouldn't love my child, but I had no control over how I felt. It was partly, if not moreso, PURE EXHAUSTION, and the 4 lbs I gained in 4 weeks, according to this visit, was enough to push me over the edge. They informed me I was just catching up from not gaining much in the beginning. Because you know, it's only fair, I guess.

I fall apart when I'm tired, but I realized how much I REALLY wanted to do the girl thing, too, when I realized that I wouldn't be doing it again. And I saw how much Sage prayed and believed, and I wanted God to honor that....not that He didn't, but just like she expected Him to. But you know what? SHE never missed a beat. She never fell apart. She grinned. She never acted mad. Later, when Jaggar wasn't being so nice she kind of fell back on wanting a girl, but it was WAY more me that lost it. I can't even fall on that, "I've never had a boy. I don't know if I'll like it." like I did with Jaggar...it was purely immature and selfish on my part...mostly. I REALLY wanted to buy girl things, go through girl names, decorate a girl's room, buy shoes and HUGE headbands and bows. I had been eying them! Fact is, they DO make cuter girl things. And I REALLY wanted Sage to have exactly what she hoped for and prayed for. But I was also deeply sad for all of Sage's things that I had stored away that wouldn't be used again. I was sad to have to paint over her walls in her old room that my brother painted. I guess, in a way, I was mourning for HER growing up because it sure has gone by faster than I wanted it to or ever thought it would. And also...I just REALLY thought it was a girl.

I can't explain my awful emotions...other than they're just that--feelings. And they don't mean reality, thank GOD because as I said, I am NOT proud of the unexpected overwhelming emotions that flooded me. Before we ever knew, on the way there, I prayed with the kids because Sage had prayed SO much for a girl...I knew it was obviously possible that it MAY not go that way. And I said, "God, thank you for this baby. For giving it to our family. You know the desires of our heart, (to which Sage chimed in, YEAH BUT WE WANT A GIRL)...but you know them deeper than we do. Give us those..." I think about sometimes how I think I want something to eat. I just KNOW that (whatever I've chosen) is going to be IT for me, and I get it...and it really wasn't quite what I wanted. I have to believe that God knows the deepest parts of us, and I have no doubt that, as always, He has already given me exactly what I really wanted. I look forward to my continuing pregnancy and expected arrival of our SON.

As for Sage, I am very proud of her. She never complained. She is already choosing things that are for boys in stores. And today she said, "You know, I'm glad this is a boy. Because NOW, I'm the only girl, and I'm the cute one. I don't want to have to share that." :) She means "pretty," I'm sure, because we ALL know how cute Jaggar is. Either way, a little vanity never hurt anyone.

Clearly, it's a boy.

I couldn't really lose either way, could I?

Baby Debut

My first doctor's appointment was on Monday. Everything went really well...other than the fact that when I got there, the receptionist asked why I was there. Apparently, they never wrote my appointment down. I said, "Well, I didn't make it up." Travis said that I'd need to call them from now on. I said, "You mean do someone elses job for them? As much money as they are getting, I'm not doing a thing. That's their deal." I mean, seriously. But it was fine, and I was seen anyway, and I did not have to say any of those above mentioned things to them. Anyway, the first appointment is fun because they do an ultrasound. HERE is our baby! I know, not too exciting yet but what you can't see and hear like we did was the strong, rapid heartbeat. He/she is alive and well. Such a miracle to see that.

When I showed Jaggar the picture, he said, "That's a t-rex. That's a brachiosaurus." It's one of the two, we suppose. Anyway, based on my last cycle, my due date was 12-16-12, but Dr Collins said they are going by the ultrasound, which showed he/she to be a little further than that, making the due date 12/12/12. Travis thought that was the best thing ever and says that we are DOING that date (I'm all about inductions). I said, "Um...you're starting to think you've got a say in a lot lately." The name, the date.... He said that he hasn't named a child of ours yet, and I said, "Yes, and we're not going to break that trend." :) No ideas yet, but I'm sure it will be something everyone initially hates only to love later. Hate to break that trend, too.

Another funny thing about this appointment was that when they did my height, I asked what it was. I KNOW I'm 5'7, but the last time, they said I was 5'6. The girl said, "5'7." I told her about the last appointment, and she said, "Ha, well they have you as 5'5 in the computer." I've grown two inches! They also gave me something for nausea, which I have to say has been a pretty regular thing in my life lately. It is NO fun. My house has suffered for it. My children have suffered. We've all suffered. Out of nowhere I'll start sweating and breathing heavy, and it feels like I'm going to throw up or pass out, and I instantly have to lay down no matter WHERE that may be. This morning, it happened to be at the kitchen table. I was calling for Travis, who was upstairs, to get me some juice. Drink your juice, Shelby! ;) Anyway, hopefully that will work its magic and moreso that it will pass soon and very soon.

A Longing Fulfilled

I've wanted to be able to write this for over a year now, but timing is everything and it's also not mine. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it's one I can't seem to learn. I always knew when I was growing up that I wanted 3 pregnancies. I was/am always planning my life out. When I was pregnant with Jaggar, I knew I was not finished with having children. I told Travis while we watched my growing belly twitch in spastic jerks with Jaggar's kicks that this wouldn't be it for me. I would have one more. And the argument wasn't that he didn't want more children, it was his age. He wanted to live life not raising children. Understandable. So we both came to the realization that I was younger and he was older and I'd have one more child. I'd cut it off at 3 pregnancies, and that would be that. So our plans were set. Jaggar got a little older, and in January of 2011, we began to try for a baby.

It didn't happen that month, and I cried. Silly, I know. I am not known for my patience. When I set my mind to something, I can get it done, but oh well...just because we were one hit wonders with Sage didn't mean it had to be that way every time, but it sure would have been nice. I did not want to go through months of being unsuccessful. A year went by. I was heartbroken. I almost wrote about it a few times on here, but I just couldn't bear my emotions when I didn't have a happy ending to it. And I knew that, in life, people don't always get happy endings so it was something that I chose to keep pretty private. But it was nonetheless devastating, especially towards the end of last year and beginning of this one. I think what made it worse is that EVERY month, I just KNEW that was going to be the month I was pregnant. I'd have symptoms. I'd google. I'd take a test. It would be negative and that would be confirmed. I couldn't believe my instincts were so far off. I was angry. And Sad. Everyone surrounding me "got pregnant when they talked about it." Meagan got pregnant. And I was not jealous of anyone having children...I just...desperately wanted my own. What was wrong with ME? My body went haywire in November/December. I tried fertility pills in January. I KNEW that would work. My rational mind fought with the crazy part of me who was losing perspective. Dr Collins said I needed to give myself a break and that there's only like a 17% chance of conceiving a month. I felt surrounded by everyone in the top percentile. People that knew said, "Oh, it WILL happen. I believe it. I think it's soon." While that was nice, I thought, "Well of course, they'd say that, but the fact is, it does NOT have to happen." I would say, "God you know I want a baby. I'm here. Waiting. If it's not gonna happen, could you stop letting me get my hopes up month after month with crazy symptoms that have nothing to do with pregnancy?" He seemed silent. He would comfort me, but I never got a, "You will have another child" type of answer.

In January of this year, I got a fortune cookie that said, "Your fondest dream will come true within this year.' I remember thinking...okay. I sure do hope so. And even though it was a cookie, I believed God had that for me...and I believed Him. And there was something about that...the word WITHIN that made me believe I would give birth by the end of the year. The thing was though on the flip, every month, after TRULY believing I was pregnant and it not being so, I was like DONE. I was somewhat schizophrenic. I didn't want to go through it anymore. I'd cry for days and not talk to anyone outside of our household for days. But it's like my hope would return the very next month. It would not die. I just could NOT let it go even though it would have been easier. Perhaps it wasn't letting ME go.

January and February were particularly tough. I took the fertility pills in January, and they were not successful. February was just sad because..well, time was just taking longer and longer. And Travis said, "You know eventually we have to have a cut off." Not for me obviously, but for him. *See above statement about not wanting to raise children his entire life. So that was what was kind of feeding my desperation. I didn't have YEARS of trying left. So I told Chrissie that I would have to get pregnant in March for that fortune to be true...and it was just a stupid cookie. Who was I kidding? She said, "You don't have to give birth this year, idiot, you just have to get pregnant. You're gonna have another kid."

The Daniel fast was coming up in March. I had HIGH hopes that I would be pregnant and not have to participate. Lo and behold that did NOT happen. Surprisingly, I didn't fall apart. I just said, "I'm kind of done with this idea and ready to move on." (I kind of said that all the time, but I wasn't crying this time.) I started the fast and as I said, the first day was painfully difficult...but I was going to lose weight and I figured, "Heck, if I'm not pregnant, I'm getting skinny." But by the end of the first week, I thought, "This is a lot harder for me than it was last year." I was so hungry, and I was eating all the time, but the food just didn't sustain. I was eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. But I started dreaming every night, and I"m not typically one that dreams and remembers anything. One night, I dreamed I took a positive pregnancy test. I thought, "Oh...that's nice." But I also dreamed I ate hamburgers and each of those dreams were wishful thinking at the time.

As I still could not sustain my hunger, the week before the fast ended, I just kind of suddenly made a decision that I was done with it. I ate some cupcakes at Nick and Emily's and I thought..."you know, I'll get back on it tomorrow," but on Monday, I was done. And I was glad about it. I felt like I'd done a good job with two full, strict weeks of it. My attention started to turn towards any possible symptoms that I had that could indicate pregnancy for me, even though I willed myself not to. I'd done it a million times and sometimes they were really there. But the fact is PMS mirrors pregnancy symptoms. I did notice that my skin wasn't as horrid as usual, nor did I crave sugar like a crack addict. I kept rationality in that the Daniel fast allowed me to detox myself. My back ached, which is very normal, but I went to Birmingham on Friday to celebrate with Chrissie for her birthday. I asked her, "Did you have any symptoms or feel pregnant before you took a test?" With having 4 she would know, and she said no. But with Sage AND Jaggar I felt like I did know...but I guess it could have just as well been negative for them until I was. So we went out and celebrated. I was ready for what I felt was inevitable and refused to buy anymore tests. They are expensive, and the negative results are too painful to see when I don't need to. So we did Easter things Saturday, which was fun. Easter Sunday...I started to wonder, even against my will...could I be??? Really??? But I wouldn't do it. Travis asked me...and I said it was still POSSIBLE but not necessarily probable. I refused to even think about testing and expected the possibility for pregnancy to be ended on Monday just like I did on Saturday and Sunday. Monday came and went and there was still an open door. I had familiar feelings that I'd had with my other pregnancies, but I'd thought that before. See what it was like??? lol Tuesday...I had talked myself into thinking I was not pregnant. It was the fast that had thrown me off, I said. Even so, I bought some tests Tuesday evening. I didn't know if I could take them. I felt frozen like...I just can't. I'll just wait. I can use them eventually. I had been up for hours Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night playing numbers and scenarios and cycles...could it be this time? Probably not. My cycles are kind of all over. But there was another part that felt like I WAS....I HAD to be, but I couldn't let myself go there emotionally. I couldn't be happy or excited until I knew if I was or not. I finally said, "I just need to take it. If it's not, I can get over and on with it and move on with life." I woke up at 3:45 am on Wednesday, April 11th. I wanted to go back to sleep. But if I was taking it that day, it also would be nice not to be rushed and interrupted, and I could grieve alone if need be. So I did it then. I watched the hourglass spin. I'd done this so many times. I could feel my heart beat in my chest and ears as I did EVERY time I took one of these. Months and months where they spun for what felt like eternity only to flash "NOT PREGNANT." I stood there thinking I'd have to leave the room and come back as I'd done SO many times to come back to see NOT PREGNANT, but I didn't have time to leave. It wasn't even a full minute when this showed.

In case you can't see that...it says......!!!!!!!!!!

I gasped and a million pounds were lifted and I felt the most joy I'd felt in a long time. ALL the stress and heartache of that past year was instantly lifted. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children. And I was never going to be miserable the rest of my life and not be grateful for them and enjoy what I DID have. How selfish and stupid would that be? My friend Ramey, who tried for 6 1/2 years to have a baby (and he's HERE now), told me when I said, "I don't know what it was...I just couldn't let go of having another." She said, "That's because there WAS another one for you." She hit the nail on the head. I was unable to say WHY exactly I was so determined for another child(3 children is EXCESSIVE in our culture), but since she went through WAY worse than I did, she knew exactly what it was. I didn't WANT another baby. Another baby wanted ME! Travis told me month after month, "Julie, YOU don't create life. There is a divine time for every soul to get a body. But you can do us all a favor and have a better attitude." Ouch. I don't know that I ever did have the best attitude. We did pray that God would give us the desires of our heart. Sage prayed. Friends (who knew) prayed. Mom and Mema prayed. God answered.

I took that positive test down at 3 something in the morning, threw the lights on and held it in front of Travis to read. lol He was so out of it, but he knew. He said, "SO...what are we gonna do?" Ha. He later didn't recall saying that at all. I said, "Um I think we'll keep it." :) I went back upstairs and rather than go to sleep, I laid there, staring at that test (because I took those with my other kids and the results disappeared after one hour. That's why I woke up Travis then. AFTER that, I read the box and saw they have upgraded them to read results for 24 hours. OOPS. :) I held it. I read it over and over. I took pictures like this right after I got my result.


And I prayed for my newest blessing and thanked God for finally giving me the desires of my heart, even though it wasn't "finally," it was at the exact time it was supposed to be. One year. Three months after I thought it should be. The year before, I refused to try in February and March because I didn't want a Thanksgiving or Christmas baby. My due date? December 16th. Do I even care? NO WAY. It could be December 25th for all I care. What's also so amazing about this is that the month I conceived was the only month left that I was able to have a baby "WITHIN" this year, as the fortune cookie read. I knew what God meant, and He did what He said He'd do. I am so thrilled to get to experience pregnancy one more time when our family is at peace. I called and contacted individuals who I wanted to hear it from me personally and eventually posted it on facebook later that day. I was so overwhelmed with the genuine reactions of pure joy and excitement from everyone FOR us. Some knew what we went through. Most didn't, but the reactions were the same. But sweet Sage....she took me by surprise with HOW excited she was. I told her in the car after school. She literally screamed and NEEDED to tell someone. She cannot wait. Jaggar? Well, he can't possibly understand, but he did say when I asked him if he wanted me to have a baby, "NO." I said, "Well I'm going to have a baby." He said, "YOU have a baby! I don't want a sister!" I busted out laughing. We are thrilled. We are blessed. For all the heartache I went through and the emotion, hope consistently deferred made my heart sick....but a longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul. How sweet it is. Get ready, I will be chronicling this way more than anyone cares to read. :)

Exhibit A: I am 4 weeks and 3 days and I want to remember my body as I know it to be. :) I WILL be this again fyi... Sage did say after her ecstasy wore off and questions formed, "If you're having a baby, why are you still skinny?" :)
I wanted Travis to take some of me where I didn't look like I rolled out of bed, so he did. :)
A few actually :)
I told you I was going to be annoying. I do not care. I have already downloaded like 3 pregnancy apps on my iphone. Baby is the size of an orange seed now, btw.
Me and the proud papa. We are both SO excited and relieved that this moment is our's. People have asked me, "So was this a surprise?" And my answer is, "Yeah, it's a surprise that it finally happened."
And my babies. Sage is already planning pregnancy pictures and names. She wants a girl and to name her Elizabeth. :) Jaggar? Well, he's still Jaggar. I asked him today, "Are you going to be a big brother?" He said, "Umm...no, I Jaggar." How am I so blessed that I could have more just this sweet? I had my worries with Jaggar because I only had Sage at the time that I wouldn't love him as much. THIS time, my heart is already full. I cannot wait to experience this joy everyday for MANY months to come.