A Longing Fulfilled

I've wanted to be able to write this for over a year now, but timing is everything and it's also not mine. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it's one I can't seem to learn. I always knew when I was growing up that I wanted 3 pregnancies. I was/am always planning my life out. When I was pregnant with Jaggar, I knew I was not finished with having children. I told Travis while we watched my growing belly twitch in spastic jerks with Jaggar's kicks that this wouldn't be it for me. I would have one more. And the argument wasn't that he didn't want more children, it was his age. He wanted to live life not raising children. Understandable. So we both came to the realization that I was younger and he was older and I'd have one more child. I'd cut it off at 3 pregnancies, and that would be that. So our plans were set. Jaggar got a little older, and in January of 2011, we began to try for a baby.

It didn't happen that month, and I cried. Silly, I know. I am not known for my patience. When I set my mind to something, I can get it done, but oh well...just because we were one hit wonders with Sage didn't mean it had to be that way every time, but it sure would have been nice. I did not want to go through months of being unsuccessful. A year went by. I was heartbroken. I almost wrote about it a few times on here, but I just couldn't bear my emotions when I didn't have a happy ending to it. And I knew that, in life, people don't always get happy endings so it was something that I chose to keep pretty private. But it was nonetheless devastating, especially towards the end of last year and beginning of this one. I think what made it worse is that EVERY month, I just KNEW that was going to be the month I was pregnant. I'd have symptoms. I'd google. I'd take a test. It would be negative and that would be confirmed. I couldn't believe my instincts were so far off. I was angry. And Sad. Everyone surrounding me "got pregnant when they talked about it." Meagan got pregnant. And I was not jealous of anyone having children...I just...desperately wanted my own. What was wrong with ME? My body went haywire in November/December. I tried fertility pills in January. I KNEW that would work. My rational mind fought with the crazy part of me who was losing perspective. Dr Collins said I needed to give myself a break and that there's only like a 17% chance of conceiving a month. I felt surrounded by everyone in the top percentile. People that knew said, "Oh, it WILL happen. I believe it. I think it's soon." While that was nice, I thought, "Well of course, they'd say that, but the fact is, it does NOT have to happen." I would say, "God you know I want a baby. I'm here. Waiting. If it's not gonna happen, could you stop letting me get my hopes up month after month with crazy symptoms that have nothing to do with pregnancy?" He seemed silent. He would comfort me, but I never got a, "You will have another child" type of answer.

In January of this year, I got a fortune cookie that said, "Your fondest dream will come true within this year.' I remember thinking...okay. I sure do hope so. And even though it was a cookie, I believed God had that for me...and I believed Him. And there was something about that...the word WITHIN that made me believe I would give birth by the end of the year. The thing was though on the flip, every month, after TRULY believing I was pregnant and it not being so, I was like DONE. I was somewhat schizophrenic. I didn't want to go through it anymore. I'd cry for days and not talk to anyone outside of our household for days. But it's like my hope would return the very next month. It would not die. I just could NOT let it go even though it would have been easier. Perhaps it wasn't letting ME go.

January and February were particularly tough. I took the fertility pills in January, and they were not successful. February was just sad because..well, time was just taking longer and longer. And Travis said, "You know eventually we have to have a cut off." Not for me obviously, but for him. *See above statement about not wanting to raise children his entire life. So that was what was kind of feeding my desperation. I didn't have YEARS of trying left. So I told Chrissie that I would have to get pregnant in March for that fortune to be true...and it was just a stupid cookie. Who was I kidding? She said, "You don't have to give birth this year, idiot, you just have to get pregnant. You're gonna have another kid."

The Daniel fast was coming up in March. I had HIGH hopes that I would be pregnant and not have to participate. Lo and behold that did NOT happen. Surprisingly, I didn't fall apart. I just said, "I'm kind of done with this idea and ready to move on." (I kind of said that all the time, but I wasn't crying this time.) I started the fast and as I said, the first day was painfully difficult...but I was going to lose weight and I figured, "Heck, if I'm not pregnant, I'm getting skinny." But by the end of the first week, I thought, "This is a lot harder for me than it was last year." I was so hungry, and I was eating all the time, but the food just didn't sustain. I was eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. But I started dreaming every night, and I"m not typically one that dreams and remembers anything. One night, I dreamed I took a positive pregnancy test. I thought, "Oh...that's nice." But I also dreamed I ate hamburgers and each of those dreams were wishful thinking at the time.

As I still could not sustain my hunger, the week before the fast ended, I just kind of suddenly made a decision that I was done with it. I ate some cupcakes at Nick and Emily's and I thought..."you know, I'll get back on it tomorrow," but on Monday, I was done. And I was glad about it. I felt like I'd done a good job with two full, strict weeks of it. My attention started to turn towards any possible symptoms that I had that could indicate pregnancy for me, even though I willed myself not to. I'd done it a million times and sometimes they were really there. But the fact is PMS mirrors pregnancy symptoms. I did notice that my skin wasn't as horrid as usual, nor did I crave sugar like a crack addict. I kept rationality in that the Daniel fast allowed me to detox myself. My back ached, which is very normal, but I went to Birmingham on Friday to celebrate with Chrissie for her birthday. I asked her, "Did you have any symptoms or feel pregnant before you took a test?" With having 4 she would know, and she said no. But with Sage AND Jaggar I felt like I did know...but I guess it could have just as well been negative for them until I was. So we went out and celebrated. I was ready for what I felt was inevitable and refused to buy anymore tests. They are expensive, and the negative results are too painful to see when I don't need to. So we did Easter things Saturday, which was fun. Easter Sunday...I started to wonder, even against my will...could I be??? Really??? But I wouldn't do it. Travis asked me...and I said it was still POSSIBLE but not necessarily probable. I refused to even think about testing and expected the possibility for pregnancy to be ended on Monday just like I did on Saturday and Sunday. Monday came and went and there was still an open door. I had familiar feelings that I'd had with my other pregnancies, but I'd thought that before. See what it was like??? lol Tuesday...I had talked myself into thinking I was not pregnant. It was the fast that had thrown me off, I said. Even so, I bought some tests Tuesday evening. I didn't know if I could take them. I felt frozen like...I just can't. I'll just wait. I can use them eventually. I had been up for hours Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night playing numbers and scenarios and cycles...could it be this time? Probably not. My cycles are kind of all over. But there was another part that felt like I WAS....I HAD to be, but I couldn't let myself go there emotionally. I couldn't be happy or excited until I knew if I was or not. I finally said, "I just need to take it. If it's not, I can get over and on with it and move on with life." I woke up at 3:45 am on Wednesday, April 11th. I wanted to go back to sleep. But if I was taking it that day, it also would be nice not to be rushed and interrupted, and I could grieve alone if need be. So I did it then. I watched the hourglass spin. I'd done this so many times. I could feel my heart beat in my chest and ears as I did EVERY time I took one of these. Months and months where they spun for what felt like eternity only to flash "NOT PREGNANT." I stood there thinking I'd have to leave the room and come back as I'd done SO many times to come back to see NOT PREGNANT, but I didn't have time to leave. It wasn't even a full minute when this showed.

In case you can't see that...it says......!!!!!!!!!!

I gasped and a million pounds were lifted and I felt the most joy I'd felt in a long time. ALL the stress and heartache of that past year was instantly lifted. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children. And I was never going to be miserable the rest of my life and not be grateful for them and enjoy what I DID have. How selfish and stupid would that be? My friend Ramey, who tried for 6 1/2 years to have a baby (and he's HERE now), told me when I said, "I don't know what it was...I just couldn't let go of having another." She said, "That's because there WAS another one for you." She hit the nail on the head. I was unable to say WHY exactly I was so determined for another child(3 children is EXCESSIVE in our culture), but since she went through WAY worse than I did, she knew exactly what it was. I didn't WANT another baby. Another baby wanted ME! Travis told me month after month, "Julie, YOU don't create life. There is a divine time for every soul to get a body. But you can do us all a favor and have a better attitude." Ouch. I don't know that I ever did have the best attitude. We did pray that God would give us the desires of our heart. Sage prayed. Friends (who knew) prayed. Mom and Mema prayed. God answered.

I took that positive test down at 3 something in the morning, threw the lights on and held it in front of Travis to read. lol He was so out of it, but he knew. He said, "SO...what are we gonna do?" Ha. He later didn't recall saying that at all. I said, "Um I think we'll keep it." :) I went back upstairs and rather than go to sleep, I laid there, staring at that test (because I took those with my other kids and the results disappeared after one hour. That's why I woke up Travis then. AFTER that, I read the box and saw they have upgraded them to read results for 24 hours. OOPS. :) I held it. I read it over and over. I took pictures like this right after I got my result.


And I prayed for my newest blessing and thanked God for finally giving me the desires of my heart, even though it wasn't "finally," it was at the exact time it was supposed to be. One year. Three months after I thought it should be. The year before, I refused to try in February and March because I didn't want a Thanksgiving or Christmas baby. My due date? December 16th. Do I even care? NO WAY. It could be December 25th for all I care. What's also so amazing about this is that the month I conceived was the only month left that I was able to have a baby "WITHIN" this year, as the fortune cookie read. I knew what God meant, and He did what He said He'd do. I am so thrilled to get to experience pregnancy one more time when our family is at peace. I called and contacted individuals who I wanted to hear it from me personally and eventually posted it on facebook later that day. I was so overwhelmed with the genuine reactions of pure joy and excitement from everyone FOR us. Some knew what we went through. Most didn't, but the reactions were the same. But sweet Sage....she took me by surprise with HOW excited she was. I told her in the car after school. She literally screamed and NEEDED to tell someone. She cannot wait. Jaggar? Well, he can't possibly understand, but he did say when I asked him if he wanted me to have a baby, "NO." I said, "Well I'm going to have a baby." He said, "YOU have a baby! I don't want a sister!" I busted out laughing. We are thrilled. We are blessed. For all the heartache I went through and the emotion, hope consistently deferred made my heart sick....but a longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul. How sweet it is. Get ready, I will be chronicling this way more than anyone cares to read. :)

Exhibit A: I am 4 weeks and 3 days and I want to remember my body as I know it to be. :) I WILL be this again fyi... Sage did say after her ecstasy wore off and questions formed, "If you're having a baby, why are you still skinny?" :)
I wanted Travis to take some of me where I didn't look like I rolled out of bed, so he did. :)
A few actually :)
I told you I was going to be annoying. I do not care. I have already downloaded like 3 pregnancy apps on my iphone. Baby is the size of an orange seed now, btw.
Me and the proud papa. We are both SO excited and relieved that this moment is our's. People have asked me, "So was this a surprise?" And my answer is, "Yeah, it's a surprise that it finally happened."
And my babies. Sage is already planning pregnancy pictures and names. She wants a girl and to name her Elizabeth. :) Jaggar? Well, he's still Jaggar. I asked him today, "Are you going to be a big brother?" He said, "Umm...no, I Jaggar." How am I so blessed that I could have more just this sweet? I had my worries with Jaggar because I only had Sage at the time that I wouldn't love him as much. THIS time, my heart is already full. I cannot wait to experience this joy everyday for MANY months to come.