Jaggar's insomnia has continued here, and now we are on a schedule. He is up every morning at 1:30 give or take 15 minutes. EVERY. NIGHT. The child that used to wave goodbye to everyone and say "night night" without a sound until the next morning now also takes over an hour just to get to sleep for the night. It's the craziest thing in the world. He is up with his lights on screaming and crying for something totally random. This morning at 1:15, he was screaming, "I want my shoes on!!" with a pair of shoes out from his drawer. ?????
You've got me. Travis and I take turns, and we immediately turn the lights off, put him in his bed and tell him to lay down. The problem is that he wants to make sure that you're still there, so to avoid rocking him or doing anything that could be appealing to him to continue, we just sit there or lay in the floor where he can't see us. The moment he sits up, we tell him to lay back down, so he's going to sleep on his own. This can take anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour plus. And it's happening. I'm getting hysterical. I've never been the party girl that stays up all night long. I like to sleep. I really want to sleep. I feel like I have a newborn without the perks of a newborn. Newborns can't get up, turn lights on and run through the house. So I wouldn't have a problem letting one scream. Neither of my kids slept through the night until they were over a year old. I have paid my dues for this with these 2.
I don't know what the deal is, but we are all suffering. My children are suffering because I have no fuse right now, so I've been very short, if not outright completely impatient with them. Jaggar may not be sleeping, but he's still wide open in the day. We had a plumber come over on Sunday because he said he put a "napkin" in the toilet and flushed it. Whatever that napkin was caused the toilet not to flush right. So the plumber came and what was that "napkin?" The toilet paper holder that the roll slides on with the spring inside, which was now broken. Yep. So...I'm outnumbered and exhausted. So I took a risk. Children are honest, so I asked Sage in the car this evening, "Does it feel like I yell at you and get on you all the time? Because I'm really exhausted right now and my reactions towards you guys aren't what I want them to be. It's not okay, and I'm trying...but I need to know you're okay." She immediately said no and that I did not. I didn't think much else about that conversation other than to breathe a sigh of relief.
When I did have a few minutes to gather myself later, I asked God to not let their spirits be broken from me. I could only pray that the image I have of myself in mothering (and most ways of life) aren't what others see. It may be ridiculous to someone in their right, non sleep deprived mind, but that is really how I feel at the moment. And I just prayed that God would help me to be more graceful about this and give me the strength to treat them with love no matter how long this may endure. And to forgive me for falling short of that. No kidding...I've had it. So I go downstairs right after that prayer and Sage hands me my ipad. She said she'd made a message for me. It was an instant answer from God from my 30 second ago prayer. I don't know how she did it, but she addressed all the things I had just been questioning and a lot that I hadn't thought of (ha, you'll see). Sage is a sensitive, sweet soul, which she inherited zero of from me. I cried and laughed watching this almost 8 minutes of a spontaneous song from my girl that was exactly what I needed to hear. My kids aren't broken from my shortcomings just yet.
PS: Some parts that made me laugh:
"I'm your best girl. Don't ever quit me."
"I'll always love you more because you're so.....loveable. I know that didn't make sense..."
You've got me. Travis and I take turns, and we immediately turn the lights off, put him in his bed and tell him to lay down. The problem is that he wants to make sure that you're still there, so to avoid rocking him or doing anything that could be appealing to him to continue, we just sit there or lay in the floor where he can't see us. The moment he sits up, we tell him to lay back down, so he's going to sleep on his own. This can take anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour plus. And it's happening. I'm getting hysterical. I've never been the party girl that stays up all night long. I like to sleep. I really want to sleep. I feel like I have a newborn without the perks of a newborn. Newborns can't get up, turn lights on and run through the house. So I wouldn't have a problem letting one scream. Neither of my kids slept through the night until they were over a year old. I have paid my dues for this with these 2.
I don't know what the deal is, but we are all suffering. My children are suffering because I have no fuse right now, so I've been very short, if not outright completely impatient with them. Jaggar may not be sleeping, but he's still wide open in the day. We had a plumber come over on Sunday because he said he put a "napkin" in the toilet and flushed it. Whatever that napkin was caused the toilet not to flush right. So the plumber came and what was that "napkin?" The toilet paper holder that the roll slides on with the spring inside, which was now broken. Yep. So...I'm outnumbered and exhausted. So I took a risk. Children are honest, so I asked Sage in the car this evening, "Does it feel like I yell at you and get on you all the time? Because I'm really exhausted right now and my reactions towards you guys aren't what I want them to be. It's not okay, and I'm trying...but I need to know you're okay." She immediately said no and that I did not. I didn't think much else about that conversation other than to breathe a sigh of relief.
When I did have a few minutes to gather myself later, I asked God to not let their spirits be broken from me. I could only pray that the image I have of myself in mothering (and most ways of life) aren't what others see. It may be ridiculous to someone in their right, non sleep deprived mind, but that is really how I feel at the moment. And I just prayed that God would help me to be more graceful about this and give me the strength to treat them with love no matter how long this may endure. And to forgive me for falling short of that. No kidding...I've had it. So I go downstairs right after that prayer and Sage hands me my ipad. She said she'd made a message for me. It was an instant answer from God from my 30 second ago prayer. I don't know how she did it, but she addressed all the things I had just been questioning and a lot that I hadn't thought of (ha, you'll see). Sage is a sensitive, sweet soul, which she inherited zero of from me. I cried and laughed watching this almost 8 minutes of a spontaneous song from my girl that was exactly what I needed to hear. My kids aren't broken from my shortcomings just yet.
PS: Some parts that made me laugh:
"I'm your best girl. Don't ever quit me."
"I'll always love you more because you're so.....loveable. I know that didn't make sense..."
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