Sage started 2nd grade today. Can you believe it? I can't. I will post more pictures on that later. She was excited, and the nurse has already called me to let me know that she's okay. Thank, God. To say that this would be a difficult time for us...for ME...I speak for me, would be the understatement of my lifetime. My personality demands answers. It demands 1+1 to equal 2. And now? None of that applies. I guess you don't walk by faith living like that, which maybe you should do it beforehand. Because all other options are out for me now. I can read (optional) or listen to (sometimes not optional) the hundreds of bleak statistics of diabetes. The popular "It's just a lifestyle change" is funny to me. Yes, because my 7 year old clearly needed to straighten up her unhealthy habits. I just wonder if they have any idea the depth of what we really do day to day with Sage now just to live. EVERYTHING has to be thought out. They say you can live very normally, but when you take your kid trick or treating, do you want them to have only one piece of candy without a shot? Do you want to have to force your child to eat the food she said she'd eat beforehand but later realized she was full but has to eat anyway because she had a shot for it that will drop her if she doesn't eat what the dose was for? I don't always "preach" to all of these people, and I don't think I'm wrong for that. If someone came up to you and said, "The sky is brown. IT is not blue." Would you waste your time and energy trying to convince them otherwise? Why would you argue with a fool? If you did, maybe you have more time and energy than I do, but I don't waste my energy on things that don't matter.
We know where this came from, but as believers, we also recognize that God was and is in complete control. This can be assuring and at times difficult for me. There are days where it seems almost unbearable to think past the current day. God, hear me. See me. I've been faithful to you with my life. Not perfect. But I have tried. When I have blown it, you haven't even punished me like I deserved. Why this? Why now? Why now? Why HER? I waited so long for a 3rd baby, and now I don't even know how I'm going to do it. Instead of anticipating the countdown, I'm actually terrified of it, wishing it were longer and sometimes...not at all. Brutal honesty. Painful..pain. And yet...He is there. I have a relationship with God, so I can talk to Him these ways and He's not scared by it. He already KNOWS I feel that way, so why try to cover it up with some made up holy prayer?
But in spite of all of these feelings, I have to believe Him. I believe He is who He says He is. I have NOTHING else. People will tell you anything, but He...He's the real deal. And I just have to believe that we are going some place that we're not prepared for until we go through this. Through this. And there are some things on the other side that we didn't even know existed, and it required a death in what we knew. What we were comfortable in. Wow. But there are some things in us, in ME, that have to die before we get there. I stumbled upon this message by TD Jakes a few weeks ago, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. We know the enemy is defeated. Yes. I believe good things are coming our way in spite of the heartbreak we feel. And because we join in His sufferings, we will rejoice in His victory. No one wants to do that. I don't. I don't have to curse diabetes. It's already been done. So I simply have to say, "Not my will...I trust you.."and put my hands up and nail what I want to the cross. My terms. My timing. My way. It's a tough place to be...to die to yourself, but also exciting. Because God put His OWN name on the line at the end of the promise, and He cannot break His own word. And because He can't change, the promise is likewise unchangeable. So until then, I just have to let go. Daily. Hourly. By the second.
We know where this came from, but as believers, we also recognize that God was and is in complete control. This can be assuring and at times difficult for me. There are days where it seems almost unbearable to think past the current day. God, hear me. See me. I've been faithful to you with my life. Not perfect. But I have tried. When I have blown it, you haven't even punished me like I deserved. Why this? Why now? Why now? Why HER? I waited so long for a 3rd baby, and now I don't even know how I'm going to do it. Instead of anticipating the countdown, I'm actually terrified of it, wishing it were longer and sometimes...not at all. Brutal honesty. Painful..pain. And yet...He is there. I have a relationship with God, so I can talk to Him these ways and He's not scared by it. He already KNOWS I feel that way, so why try to cover it up with some made up holy prayer?
But in spite of all of these feelings, I have to believe Him. I believe He is who He says He is. I have NOTHING else. People will tell you anything, but He...He's the real deal. And I just have to believe that we are going some place that we're not prepared for until we go through this. Through this. And there are some things on the other side that we didn't even know existed, and it required a death in what we knew. What we were comfortable in. Wow. But there are some things in us, in ME, that have to die before we get there. I stumbled upon this message by TD Jakes a few weeks ago, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. We know the enemy is defeated. Yes. I believe good things are coming our way in spite of the heartbreak we feel. And because we join in His sufferings, we will rejoice in His victory. No one wants to do that. I don't. I don't have to curse diabetes. It's already been done. So I simply have to say, "Not my will...I trust you.."and put my hands up and nail what I want to the cross. My terms. My timing. My way. It's a tough place to be...to die to yourself, but also exciting. Because God put His OWN name on the line at the end of the promise, and He cannot break His own word. And because He can't change, the promise is likewise unchangeable. So until then, I just have to let go. Daily. Hourly. By the second.
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