2nd Grader

As of this week, we have a 2nd grader in the house. In my mind, I still keep thinking 1st. I don't really know why. With the past few weeks, this school year brought an anxiety that far surpassed anything I could have imagined when she went to kindergarten. Forget what she's learning. Are they keeping her alive? Do they know what they're doing? Can I trust them not to screw up? Of course, Sage is oblivious to all of that. I called the school shortly after we got out of the hospital to meet with the teacher and nurse beforehand and set up what's called a 504. This just legally binds them to do what needs to be done for her and basically not discriminate against her grades should she need to stop doing something (a test, PE, whatever) based on symptoms of high or low blood sugar.

God literally smiled upon us with the teacher Sage got this year--Mrs. Robbins. I instantly felt good about her when we got her letter in the mail welcoming Sage to her class. I felt her passion in reading that in how she felt about her job and children. In orientation, I watched her go around and individually introduce herself to each child. She reminded me of Sage's kindergarten teacher, who I loved so much. In the meeting with the nurse and teacher, Mrs. Robbins was taking notes, asking questions. I SO appreciated that. And the nurse is wonderful too. I let her show me what to do in drawing up insulin, and we talked about all of my concerns for a LONG time. She said that she wouldn't hesitate for a second to call me. And this week? They've all worked so wonderfully with Sage. The nurse called me twice on the first day of school and emails me regularly. Sage is doing great at school. I've never been more thankful for our first Friday because I am exhausted, but we have made it. And though it's a lot of work for now, I am thankful to have these people--Mrs. Robbins and Nurse Hubbard--caring for my girl and considering it a privilege. Because that's exactly what it is.

Ready for her first day. She was so excited, a complete contradiction of how I was in school.

And Jaggar? He was actually THRILLED with Sage at school. That's terrible, isn't it? He really loves to play alone. Sage is not like that at all. She wants Jaggar playing WITH her. So she tries to force him to play with her all the time, and if he's into a show or a certain toy, he is not interested. This causes for lots of fighting. So on her first day, I said, 'Jaggar, do you miss Sage?' Without hesitation, he said, "NOOOPE."

2nd grade. Jaggar's head is down because he chose that moment to spit. Awesome.

I am a full 5 months and a week...I think...pregnant now, by the way. I'm doing an awesome job chronicling that. I had so many pinterest ideas for photos and capturing pregnancy...and it's just not happening.

You can see how thrilled he is about this kiss.

Baby. She was so excited to have a desk this year. I walked her in because she SAID that she didn't remember where the classroom was. Turns out, neither did I because I passed it up. I'm glad that I was able to walk her in though and get a picture of her at her desk.

And here's Jaggar on our morning car rides to school. He likes to take a small toy in the car for the ride. :)

Not Fighting It

Sage started 2nd grade today. Can you believe it? I can't. I will post more pictures on that later. She was excited, and the nurse has already called me to let me know that she's okay. Thank, God. To say that this would be a difficult time for us...for ME...I speak for me, would be the understatement of my lifetime. My personality demands answers. It demands 1+1 to equal 2. And now? None of that applies. I guess you don't walk by faith living like that, which maybe you should do it beforehand. Because all other options are out for me now. I can read (optional) or listen to (sometimes not optional) the hundreds of bleak statistics of diabetes. The popular "It's just a lifestyle change" is funny to me. Yes, because my 7 year old clearly needed to straighten up her unhealthy habits. I just wonder if they have any idea the depth of what we really do day to day with Sage now just to live. EVERYTHING has to be thought out. They say you can live very normally, but when you take your kid trick or treating, do you want them to have only one piece of candy without a shot? Do you want to have to force your child to eat the food she said she'd eat beforehand but later realized she was full but has to eat anyway because she had a shot for it that will drop her if she doesn't eat what the dose was for? I don't always "preach" to all of these people, and I don't think I'm wrong for that. If someone came up to you and said, "The sky is brown. IT is not blue." Would you waste your time and energy trying to convince them otherwise? Why would you argue with a fool? If you did, maybe you have more time and energy than I do, but I don't waste my energy on things that don't matter.

We know where this came from, but as believers, we also recognize that God was and is in complete control. This can be assuring and at times difficult for me. There are days where it seems almost unbearable to think past the current day. God, hear me. See me. I've been faithful to you with my life. Not perfect. But I have tried. When I have blown it, you haven't even punished me like I deserved. Why this? Why now? Why now? Why HER? I waited so long for a 3rd baby, and now I don't even know how I'm going to do it. Instead of anticipating the countdown, I'm actually terrified of it, wishing it were longer and sometimes...not at all. Brutal honesty. Painful..pain. And yet...He is there. I have a relationship with God, so I can talk to Him these ways and He's not scared by it. He already KNOWS I feel that way, so why try to cover it up with some made up holy prayer?

But in spite of all of these feelings, I have to believe Him. I believe He is who He says He is. I have NOTHING else. People will tell you anything, but He...He's the real deal. And I just have to believe that we are going some place that we're not prepared for until we go through this. Through this. And there are some things on the other side that we didn't even know existed, and it required a death in what we knew. What we were comfortable in. Wow. But there are some things in us, in ME, that have to die before we get there. I stumbled upon this message by TD Jakes a few weeks ago, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. We know the enemy is defeated. Yes. I believe good things are coming our way in spite of the heartbreak we feel. And because we join in His sufferings, we will rejoice in His victory. No one wants to do that. I don't. I don't have to curse diabetes. It's already been done. So I simply have to say, "Not my will...I trust you.."and put my hands up and nail what I want to the cross. My terms. My timing. My way. It's a tough place to be...to die to yourself, but also exciting. Because God put His OWN name on the line at the end of the promise, and He cannot break His own word. And because He can't change, the promise is likewise unchangeable. So until then, I just have to let go. Daily. Hourly. By the second.

A Special VBS

Right after Sage's diagnosis, it seemed that everything was a challenge. Everything. VBS at our own church was rapidly approaching, and I had major concerns about sending Sage. Sage didn't even question NOT going, of course, so I never voiced my concerns to her. I NEVER told her she wasn't going. I actually made it a priority to make sure that she WAS going. But it definitely wasn't without anxiety. There's no nurse there. And I don't expect anyone to have a clue about what we are experiencing unless they have a child or they themselves have dealt with type 1 diabetes. I have a difficult time not rolling my eyes when someone hears what we've experienced and immediately says, "Yeah, I have type 2." Night and day. No where NEAR the same thing. I'm not saying that's not an illness. But the overwhelming majority of these people are overweight, middle age, still eat whatever crap they were eating before and take a pill at the end of the day.

I talked with Nikki, the children's director, about my concerns and asked what kinds of snacks they were having. Anyway, I talked to Sage before about what snack they were having each day. I sent her own things with her if she wanted them or needed them, but she ate what they ate each day...just sometimes less...like the day they had 4 cookies with marshmallow cream, Sage had 2 without marshmallow cream. She was SO excited about the last day because they were having cupcakes. It was almost pitiful to me at how excited she was. We take these things for granted. If you love sweets like me, then you take your kids out for some without thinking twice. Sage can have cupcakes...but not without insulin right now. So I figured out what the carbs were, and she could have half of one because there was no one there that could give her insulin. If there was some type of nurse or I was there, she could've had the whole thing. She said, "I'm taking that other half home." And she did. She had a great time each day at VBS. And each day that went by smoothly gave me a little more confidence that she would be fine.

At the end of each day, they would draw out names for prizes. These included glasses, stickers, tattoos...just little things. I always got there during this, and I noticed a lot of kids getting called a lot. I asked Sage, "Have you been called once?" Nope. No big deal but I just wondered. They could get their names entered in the bucket several times for: 1. being there. 2. bringing a friend. 3. bringing an offering 4. bringing a Bible. So, anyone could have 4 chances. We were obviously there. I brought her offering the first day. I didn't even know about any of these "added names" until the day before the last day. Sage told me this, and I said, "OH! Well, we'll definitely bring an offering and your bible and you will be there." She wanted to invite a friend, but it was too early to call her on that morning. This day counted the most because the last day was the day they were giving the BIG prizes away. These included razor scooters (4 different ones) and a DS. And Sage said, "I really hope I get that pink scooter." They had one pink razor scooter, and she had her eye on it and was talking about it a LOT the night before the last night.

So we did all we could to get her name in. 3x. Was it LIKELY in the odds? No. And we just don't typically win that kind of thing. It always seems to be a kid I have never seen, and that's fine. It's more likely you WON'T get that kind of thing than you will. But as I walked in on that last day knowing they had already drawn for those big prizes or were getting ready to, I couldn't help but think, "God...if you were ever going to do something really cool. If she could win that scooter at this time of all times, it would be awesome. It would just be FITTING." She wanted it so badly.

So when I walked in, they were calling names for the little prizes: glasses and stickers again. Sage actually did get a sticker, which was nice. I'm glad her name was called. Then I watched them scoop all the names up and put them back in. Heather said, "OKAY...is everybody ready for the big prizes???" Kids screamed. She said, "Are we going to praise God if we win?" YEEEEAH. Are we going to praise God if my friend wins?" *cricket, cricket* Just kidding. They screamed then, too. Maybe the crickets were more in my head. And they picked up the bucket to draw. I didn't even know what the first prize was. I honestly couldn't bear to watch Sage's face. I was sitting at a table to the side talking to some friends. Heather reached in and pulled a name out....."SAGE SPENCE!" No way. But I had no idea what she won. Was this really the big prize? I asked someone, "What did she win?" They said, "The pink scooter." Tears came to my eyes. Lori and others were coming over to me saying, "Did you see???" I watched Sage come around wheeling her prize with such a smile on her face. She said, "God heard me. I prayed I'd win!" All the adults and workers were so glad for her. Heather said, "I was so happy to see her name."

I was so grateful. Because it was more than a scooter. It was hope at just the right time. Renewed hope that God heard us. Heard HER. And He'd continue to do so. You have never seen a more proud child. She wanted to relive it, she said. Be back in the seat and hear her call her name again. Every girl in that room wanted that pink scooter, and Sage won. She waited all day (which turned to 8:30 at night when he got home) to SHOW Travis, not tell him, and he was shocked and also so thrilled for her. We were so glad FOR her. Look at that face. It has already gotten a lot of miles on it.

An Ode To Jaggar

In order to distract from the day from hell I've had and to shine some overdue spotlight on Jaggar, I wanted to put some pictures up that are beyond overdue. We've been swimming in all this other stuff lately that I haven't had time to do...much of anything, it feels. But Jaggar is still himself in all of his glory. He is such a BOY. His favorite word for months has been one I'd hoped would go away but, alas, it has not...it is..."butt." And I hear it a LOT. I expect these things from like a 7 year old boy...not a 3 year old. He says it 24/7. I've threatened him for it. Carried out the threat by spanking him for it. Raised my voice (yelled) at him for it. It doesn't matter. Some days, I just give up. Like at night when Travis says, "Good night, Jaggar." And Jaggar smiles and says, "Good night...butt." I can't help but laugh out loud. One day at dinner, he kept saying it, and I said, 'If you say that again, I'm going to wear you out." Well...he said it again, naturally. And I did what I said I'd do. He said, "But I didn't say BUTT!" I said, "What'd you say then?" He goes, "Um...I said....dinosaur." Sigh. Yes, so close.

He's a lot of fun, and even though he's a tough boy, he is very loving. I don't know if he's still oblivious or in denial about the baby...or both, but we are NOT having a baby, according to him. There is no baby in my belly. He told me tonight, "We just have to buy a baby in your belly." I said, "Well what's in there?" He said, 'Well...nothing....um I think I'm going to get a doggy in my belly." He has said that for months, and I truly believe he will be disappointed when we don't have a new puppy soon.

He loves his animals. This picture is truly worth a thousand words. He has to make sure that they are "all closing their eyes" and will ask me about each individual one and if they are following the protocol of closing their eyes. They cannot be laying down in the wrong direction and DEFINITELY cannot fall off the bed. That is devastation. They also cannot be overlapping one another. I don't know how he sleeps, but he can't seem to do it any other way than this.

This is older and at the beginning of summer. The good ole days, if you will. I feel sure that my best days ARE ahead and I won't long for times past like I do now...today is just not that day. Life was so SIMPLE here. Sage thought it was awesome to dress Jaggar like a girl, and I realized that I never got the pictures off my ipad. He looks embarrassed here, but he actually...

thought that it was hilarious and great. Sage took these as she was thrilled with her work.

When I took Sage to her pediatrician that Tuesday in July and ended up being sent to Children's, Jaggar was with us. But then Travis took him home, and Sage and I didn't come home from the hospital until Friday. I think that traumatized Jaggar somewhat. He was with a different babysitter every day that week, and he was too little to understand what was going on. Travis would work as much as he could before driving back to Birmingham. One evening, he brought Jaggar with him. Travis called and said that it took him longer to get on the road to the hospital. He was getting ready to walk out the door, and he couldn't find Jaggar. Where was he? Naked with sunscreen on himself ready to hit the pool. :) He had better plans than a hospital visit.

Suddenly, It Worked

Today, it has been 3 weeks (I think?) since we came home from the hospital with Sage. What a whirlwind of a time that has been. I didn't know a thing about diabetes before all of this. All I knew was that there was one that required shots, and I was mortified to know that was what we were dealing with and the vastness of how complex it really was.

Normally, I read on anything and everything that I experience. I'm not kidding. When I experienced my first sting back in the winter by that crazy wasp in my purse, I read about wasp stings. I love to read and learn. When Sage had that staph infection in her finger, I read about staph. I read about strep throat when they get strep. I read about splinters, conceiving, ear infections, pregnancy, saving money, decorating ideas, the best type of jeans for your body...the list goes on and on. But...I have not looked up a single thing about diabetes. Not one. The queen of google hasn't googled. The hospital sent home a TON of information and dvds and pamphlets about it. I was only interested in getting rid of what I could and having one source for when I had a question. Why is this? Well...I'm not interested in this being a permanent or GOOD fixture in our lives. What I HAVE been doing is searching God's word and looking for what He says about it.

As the days have gone by, I wouldn't say that I'm getting used to it. That's not part of the plan. This sucks. The great thing about being a kid is that you can eat what you want and not worry about gaining weight. Heck, you don't even have to worry about cavities because if you do get one, chances are that the tooth is going to fall out anyway and they'll leave it alone. It's one of the greatest times in your life! This has been robbed of Sage for now, and I'm not okay with it. She has trick or treating to do, school parties to eat candy at, stockings to be filled from Santa and Easter baskets to consume.

When I was longing to be pregnant SO much with this baby, each month that it didn't happen, I would mourn and say, "I don't want to do this anymore. I've got to let this go." It was painful to be disappointed. TD Jakes was so right in saying that there is a peace in letting go because you don't want the pain of expectation. And that is so true. But with that baby, each month hope returned, even AGAINST my own will at times. My friend, Ramey, said, "You couldn't give up because there was another one for you. Another child." Her words came back to me this morning. I can't let go of the fact that this isn't it for Sage...because it's NOT. I get "feelings," for those that don't know the word "discernment," from the Holy Spirit. For example, Sage's finger that wouldn't heal...it just wasn't right to me. I wasn't expecting THIS, but I couldn't just ignore it. The welcome letter we received from Sage's upcoming teacher gave me a really good feeling. She instantly reminded me of Sage's kindergarten teacher, who we loved so much. When I'm not at ease with something, it's not just ME. Why would I make myself miserable in wanting to change something that wouldn't change? I wouldn't. There is something deeper, greater in me that says, "THIS IS NOT OVER." This isn't abundant life. We're not enjoying this life right now. It is hard. It is painful. It is a large financial burden. It is stressful. While people are bickering over whether Jesus would eat at Chick Fil A or not (give me a FREAKING break every single one of you BABIES), I'm looking at my 7 year old at all hours of the night to make sure she is breathing. And I just don't believe for a second that this will become our way of life. I can't.

Earlier this week, I read a verse that jumped out at me. That happens to me all the time lately, and it's always the Lord. He gives me SOMETHING all the time. People quote this particular verse all of the time, but I'd never heard it like I did the other day. Your body is a temple. I've always heard this used to tell people to quit smoking, or stop overeating, or to not get a tattoo. But I read the message version, and this is what it said, "You realize, don't you, that you are the temple of God, and God himself is present in you? No one will get by with vandalizing God's temple, you can be sure of that. God's temple is sacred--and you, remember are the temple." I Corinthians 1:16-17 No one will get by with vandalizing God's temple. Sage is God's temple, and it has been vandalized. It was working, and suddenly, it wasn't. That is WRONG. And unnatural. And no one gets by with it. I'm sure of that.

Before this, at night, we prayed with the kids a simple prayer: Now I lay me down to sleep. I thank you Lord my soul you keep. God bless...." and then name the people. It was a simple way of teaching them to pray. But now? We're really praying. We bind and curse every weapon that the enemy would throw and has thrown at each of them that would try to derail them from their purposes and keep them from the full richness of life that Christ suffered for. We speak the Word over their lives, knowing that God's plans for them are GOOD, full of HOPE, not of EVIL or harm. We believe in a good life HERE, not to be suffering, sick and BROKE until we "get to the other side." That is such a LAME cop out way of life. And Travis, one night, laid his hands on Sage and spoke to her pancreas and told it to do its job, cursing the things and powers that made it do otherwise. We told her body to line up with the Word of God and to work the way He created it to. That night, Travis had a crazy dream. He didn't remember it, but it was not a good dream. It was twisted and weird. He said he woke up and there was something in the room. A real presence. For those of you that are completely unaware that there is a spiritual world causing your "feelings," please wake up. He said that it was one of the most evil presences he'd ever felt, and it scared him because it STARTLED him. He took a breath, and he said that he felt it try to enter him in that breath. When he woke up enough, he said Jesus and rebuked it, and it instantly went away. THIS made me so happy. See, there is a force here, and we have called it out. Them out. And they don't like it. They are defeated, and resistance only exists when you are exerting force on something. The Word is working even when it LOOKS like it's not.

I came home from church on Sunday exhausted. Travis was working a local tv deal. I had both kids. I'm over halfway through a pregnancy by the way. And I was drained. When I opened the front door, I instantly smelled a scent that was...really nice. I wondered if Travis had cleaned or burned a candle. I used to have those wallflowers, plug ins from Bath & Body Works, that scented the house. I had them everywhere, and they were so nice. But one by one, they all stopped working. I even bought new ones because the ones I had were older and I knew they didn't have a lifetime guarantee, but the new ones didn't seem to last a month. I finally gave up, but there was one in the dining room that I still had plugged in. I didn't want to throw the still full refill away in the event that I did break down and buy another, even though they didn't seem to be worth much of anything. I seriously had this last remaining one plugged in the dining room for...oh 2 years at LEAST. That's how long it had NOT worked. It didn't heat up anymore. Therefore, the oil inside the bulb at the bottom did nothing but sit there. For years. And yet, there it sat. Plugged in the wall. I fixed the kids lunch and continued to smell that smell. And I knew where it was coming from, but it was so strange. I went to where I could smell it the strongest. The dining room. I leaned down to that same wallflower plug in that sat there for years. Not working. I breathed in, and that wonderful smell was in full force. I touched the unit. It was warm, hot even. And working. There was NO reason for this. Travis didn't touch it. I certainly didn't. You can't do anything to these things but plug them in. The timing, however, was everything. God instantly told me, "Just like that, so shall she be." You can think I'm the most wishful thinker in the world. I do not care. I don't make this up. God is not a man that He should lie. And the Word He speaks SHALL come to pass. Suddenly, I don't know when, Sage will work again.

All Things Work for Good

For a really long time now, Sage has desperately wanted earrings but would never go through with it. It wasn't even really an option to her--pain. She'd occasionally ask me how much it hurt, but since I was 5 at the time mine were done, I really don't remember. I pierced the 3rd holes I have (had...don't wear earrings in there anymore since that went out circa 90 something) when I was in 7th grade with a needle and ice. Twice. THAT hurt. I wasn't going to lie and say that it DIDN'T hurt to get your ears pierced even at a store. Ear piercing isn't necessity. I'm not that person to pierce the 4 month old's ears. I disagree with that. So many times in the mall, we'd say, "Sage, let's get your ears pierced!" knowing she'd say no. We were just joking with her.

Towards the end of school last year after seeing a younger friend of hers get HER ears pierced, Sage told me she wanted to go straight to the mall because she WAS getting her ears pierced. I don't think we even made it in the door of the store before she said no way. Honestly, I didn't care. She would ask me to show her how much it hurt by pinching her...seriously. There was just no way I could tell or show her. But I did assure her that it was momentary. It didn't matter. She finally firmly stuck to the "no way" side of it and said she would do it when she was 11. Not sure where that number came from, but that's what it was for her.

Then we had this little curve ball thrown at us. People talking all crazy saying she has diabetes. And she does for the time, so life is pretty different. Someone that feared and screamed over every shot and finger stick EVER at a doctor's office now has to stick her own finger at least 4 times a day (more if symptoms show or if she has a low) and get an additional 4 shots a day (at the least). Sometimes, life just isn't fair. But Sage never complains. Ever. She never cries about having to do it. I would. I do. What did she do? Yesterday, she said, "Mommy, I think since I'm sticking myself all the time and getting all these shots that getting my ears pierced shouldn't be bad at all. I want to do that today." I was so surprised. I wondered if she'd really do it...but then again, she was right. With what she'd endured and what she endureS, that would really be no big deal. So off to the mall we went yesterday. She was SO excited. And once inside, she never even hesitated like she had before so many times before instantly saying no way. She chose her earrings, and the time had come that she had wanted to do for so long..

The girl marked her ears.

And the piercing began. She said that it hurt just a little bit.

And she is beyond proud, as she should be.

She wants the world to know about her earrings. Today she said, "I'm kind of glad I got diabetes because I never would have gotten my ears pierced if I hadn't." I thought about that. I said, "Sage, God uses ALL things to work together for your good. Because you love Him. And for you, getting your ears pierced is VERY good." So, to you, getting ears pierced versus getting diabetes is a no brainer. She'd obviously be without intentional holes in her for the rest of her life if I had my pick between the two, but this happened. And a 7 year old is looking at the good in it. I'm pretty sure God smiles at that. And works all the more on her behalf.

Little Fish

My blogging has suffered lately. I'm well aware of it, so since it's raining and 4 bathrooms have been cleaned, I thought I'd take a minute and post about my fish. We swim everyday for about 2 hours in the mornings, and Travis usually takes them out again after dinner. We have a pool. It's 170 degrees outside. We live in Oxford. What else would we do? Jaggar, in particular, has grown leaps and bounds in his swimming. At the beach, he wouldn't even leave the steps. He'd say, "It's too dangerous." NOW...well, I have video proof of what he's started all within the same week. First of all, one night I go outside, and Travis says, "Look at him." Check him out here. Even though he has a life jacket on, he is SWIMMING. I think that's impressive. Or I THOUGHT it was. OH, and Sage is really wanting to dive. So Travis tried to teach her some basics.

This is where we're at now. :)


Sage is quite the swimmer. I don't worry about her at all anymore as far as being able to hold her own. I do worry about her trying to ride Jaggar's back or pull him under the water with her.

I worried about her pulling him under until like the next day. They were playing ring around the rosie in the pool, and Jaggar realized that he could dunk himself on the "we all fall down!" part. So yeah, he goes from leaving the steps to going underwater. Travis said, "He'll be jumping in tomorrow." I said, "Nah..." But...

The NEXT day....The child literally has no fear. None. I mean, he's not playing around. Each child is always trying to outdo the other. Is it ever any other way?

This one is always jumping in. PS: Check out her BIKINI. She has wanted a 2 piece for FOREVER. I didn't really have any problem with it (though some people putting their children in string like bikinis kind of disturbs me...and I'm not at all what I'd consider the definition of modest to be), but the problem was that she's finally out of the "baby" section at Target, but she's still too small for the bigger girls' clothes. So bathing suits, allowing little margin for being too big, were a problem. I did find this Hello Kitty one on clearance, and I figured for $5, she can grow. It actually works really well.

They do love each other...most of the time.

I thought this was pretty one day while we were out.

Last but not least, my personal favorite video of Evil Knievel. So a day after he was jumping in, and two days after he was going under, and three since he even left the steps, he decided he would give it a go at diving. I haven't seen many things that are funnier than this.

I sure do hate to see these summer days coming to an end. This is really our last week of lazy days. School orientation is next week. Dance starts next week. Sage has her first doctor's appointment in Birmingham next week...at 8am of course. I will miss the "simplicity," if that exists, of what we have going on now. Sure do love these two.